Sooner: year one

Report: Day 159

2004-08-18T10:38:00.000-05:00

Well, with the help of my attorney, I totally defeated the man last night in traffic court. So under the principle that a dollar saved is a dollar earned, my dividends were well over the 900% goal of the Benrick challenge.

Today I am avoiding mirrors so that I may focus on my inner beauty.

Report: Day 158

2004-08-17T11:11:00.000-05:00

The greatest thing about setting out to break one of the ten commandments is that you get to do something really fun because God totally forbade all the best stuff. For those of you who didn't spend as much time in Sunday School as I did, here are my choices straight from Exodus 20.

And God spake all these words, saying, "I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

(1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

(2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

(3) Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

(4) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

(5) Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

(6) Thou shalt not kill.

(7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.

(8) Thou shalt not steal.

(9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

(10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

My first inclination was to walk around all day coveting. "I sure do like this gumball machine and wish it was mine," but how tedious would that have been. So instead I went to the five and dime and bought a bunch of Play Dough and when I got home I totally made a graven image of God. Because reread that number 2 one. I'm all about tempting fate for generations to come.

So my sculpture of God is made of red and blue Play Dough, some macaroni, some uncooked jasmine rice, and three medium sized binder clips. It rests on a piece of wax paper and I intend to pray to it when I need a little magical help with my problems.

As an aside, does anyone know of a way to set Play Dough so that it hardens?

Today I will turn $10 into $100.

Report: Day 157

2004-08-16T09:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I lived my life as if I were playing chess. At first I moved across the floor as if it were a chess board, but I quickly disabused myself of the idea that I could keep that up all day. So instead I attempted to think three steps ahead of everyone all day long. You may have been thinking about breakfast, but I was already onto lunch. You may have been deciding which umbrella to carry, but I was already wringing out my socks. Like that. You get the idea.

Today I am breaking one of the ten commandments.

Report: Day 151

2004-08-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

Benrik said I should go to my closest natural history museum and check on my favorite dinosaur to see if it was being well represented. However, the Museum of Natural History in New York closes on weekdays at about the same time I get off work. So I had to improvise. I thought maybe I could find my favorite dinosaur on some sort of virtual exhibit, but I found no mention of my favorite, the Terydactyl.

Well, what I didn't know was that the terydactyl was not a dinosaur at all. In fact it was flying lizard. And flying lizards don't count for Benricking. So I went to my next favorite dinosaur, the triceratops. And while I did not find a virtual exhibit, I did learn that triceratops means "three horned face" and that the horns were probably used both for defense and for males to attack each other to impress the lady triceratopses.

Today I will leave a message to the future.

Report: Day 150

2004-08-09T10:15:00.000-05:00

Ok. According to Benrick I was to "spend [the day] underwater and feel the fish within." This is more difficult than it may at first seem. I was delighted that it fell on Sunday and I had a fighting chance of complying. There is no way that my employer would have permitted me to set up one of those wading pools at the reference desk. No way.

So I started the day with a bath. I ordinarily take showers, not baths. Soon the water began to get cold and I couldn't help but think about the fact that everything I'd just removed from my body was floating in the water around me. I knew this wouldn't do.

So I got out of the tub and filled a vase with water. Then I completely submerged my left arm. I kept my left arm in the vase for the next 11 hours or so. I carried my vase around with me and despite some difficulty managed to go about my day with an arm underwater.

When I finally removed my arm the skin on my hand was puckered and pale, my fingernails were soft and the cuticles were blue. These problems cleared up, more or less, in about 2 hours. This morning the skin on my left palm is peeling.

Today is dinosaur day.

Report: Day 149

2004-08-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

The following is a transcription of a letter that will be posted to the United Nations on August 9, 2004.

August 7, 2004

Secretary-General Kofi Annan
United Nations
S-378
New York, NY 10017, USA

Dear Secretary-General,

I cannot help but notice that there is a staggeringly large number of ugly people around the world. At first I thought this was a problem only for those in New Jersey and Puerto Rico, but I recently took a class in cultural geography and I have learned that, at least according to my textbook, ugly people live literally everywhere around the world. They're everywhere, Your Worship. Everywhere.

At times the problem must seem overwhelming to someone in your position. I mean, I can't even imagine being President of the World and having to care for all of us from your double parked limo with diplomatic immunity. But the very first thing to understand is that this doesn't have to be. This ugliness business is artificial.

The second thing to understand, Excellency, is that small steps can be taken to eradicate much of the problem. For example if you made the use of soap mandatory we'd see immediate results. Also you may consider requiring all clothing to be made of natural fibers and be worn as designed by Isaac Mizrahi. Look at that. The Estonian people already smell better and look hipper.

Of course, some of the ugly are simply ugly. But even in the most extreme cases we can help. I think the UN should establish a troupe of traveling plastic surgeons who go from desert to tundra carrying their lypo machines in the back of a jumbo jet tricked out to be one heck of a trendy operating theatre.

I know the problem is truly gargantuan and I don't mean to make light of the world wide epidemic of ugly by suggesting that a few simple changes can completely solve the problem. I mean, even after surgery sometimes the ass implants leak or the cauliflower ear grows back. I know that. But we owe it to our ugly brothers and sisters, Your Majesty, to make inroads beginning immediately.

I trust you'll give my proposal due consideration and get back to me.

Kissing Your Ring,
Brian Blaho
Law-Librarian and Social Activist
Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, US of frickin' A

Today I will reconnect with my aquatic origins.

Report: Day 148

2004-08-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

I made up several of the following notes, adorned with my logo naturally, and distributed them liberally on windshields in downtown Newark. Cars that were mere steps from terror.

You’ve done a terrible job of parking.
Perhaps you should ride the bus to avoid highlighting your manual deficiencies.
C’mon. Give a bitch a break, ok?

~~~~~~

I’ve left a body in your trunk.
I’ll be by to collect it later.
Be cool about this.
Seriously.

~~~~~~

I’ve decided we no longer have to be enemies.
We’re going to be best friends.
Forever.

~~~~~~

I’ve seen you around here before, but I’m shy.
I think you’re dreamy.

XOXOXO,
A Secret Admirer

P.S. My tongue is pierced for your pleasure.

Today I will solve an intractable geopolitical crisis.

Report: Day 147

2004-08-06T12:27:00.000-05:00

By the end of the day I hadn't gotten around to attempting to change someone's mind, so with opportunities rapidly dissipating I wound up on my bus ride home needing desperately to Benrick.

I saw a likely candidate coming down the aisle. She looked haggerd and tired and her arms were full of heavy looking things. She went for a seat and I went for the Benrick.

"Um, ma'am? You don't want to sit there."

She considered me for a moment. "Why?"

"The cushion is lumpy. Besides, you have something of an obstructed view. That man is very tall and it's difficult to see through the windshield through him."

"What?"

"Also, there were a couple of kids making out in that seat a few minutes ago. They just got off at the last stop. But not before they got off in that seat."

Changing her mind, she took another seat.

Today I will leave notes on windshields.

Report: Day 146

2004-08-05T10:15:00.000-05:00

It was difficult to limit myself to only one sentence, but famous last words are traditionally not lengthy monologues. Unless you're a character in a David Mamet movie. Regardless, the following are my famous last words:

Don't forget to water my ficus...

Today I will change someone's mind.

Report: Day 133

2004-07-23T12:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Morning I removed one key, a key I didn't think I was likely to use, from my key ring. This brought the total number of keys in my pocket to an even dozen--my lucky number.

What misfortunes did I narrowly escape? I'll never know.

Today I will hack into a computer network.

Report: Day 132

2004-07-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

Invent a new color? I hate to break it to Benrick, but this is not possible. Unless I invent new eyes that can see electromagnetic energy outside of the currently visible spectrum. So instead, I decided to join the ranks of the Diaryland Order of the Yellow Nights and Days of Georg. DOOTY NADOG for short. Please consult the above link for details.

I'd been meaning to join DOOTY NADOG for some time, but Georg hadn't visited me with greetz to remind me, so I'd been very negligent. But just last week Sooner: Year One received it's first greetz from Austria and a heart felt request for me to stay creative and inspiration struck.

In order to join DOOTY NADOG when Georg has spammed your guestbook you must leave him a message in his guestbook using the word yellow or any of its cognates and then notify Zaziel of the action. Yesterday I left the following for Georg.

sooner
(21. 7. 2004)
Internet: www.andromeda.rutgers.edu/~blaho

Oh, G. May I call you G? Oh, G. First off, Greetz from New Jersey, USA. Second, let's get something straight. I will try to stay creative, G. I will. But I need something in exchange. Please send me a sallow haired house boy in his twenties from the Austrian mountains who will do the cleaning up around my place and will require regular sex with me and the occasional meal as his only payment. I find that cleaning up after my own filthy ass and the extensive efforts I make to bed canary-haired Austrians drain my creative energies and take time away from my freaky creative endeavors. It's a social contract, G. You take care of my needs and I'll stay creative just for you. Third, this is an awesome site and it's great to be here.

I have been duely named Sir Sooner and given permission to display the DOOTY NADOG logo you see to the right. Not exactly inventing a color, but it's certainly yellow.

Today I will acknowledge my lucky number which Benrick has determined is 12.

Report: Day 131

2004-07-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

This was dicy as I had to defy heirarchy without getting fired. So today I asked everyone I ran into who falls in the institutional heirarchy above me to do me a favor.

Hey, bring me some scrap paper, would ya?

Will you hold this door for me?

Do you mind filling this up?

It was very liberating.

Today I will invent a new colour.

Report: Day 129

2004-07-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

Benrick's specific direction was to assess my blessing's scientifically, so that involved another Benrick quiz. For each listed blessing there was a score to go along with it. Once I'd tallied my score I found out my level of blessing. I reproduce the quiz for you here so you can play along. The first number are the points for having that blessing, the second is my total.

Are you alive? 10/10
Are you in good health? 9/9
Do you have a partner? 7/0
Do you have regular sex? 6/0
Do you have children? 3 per child/0
Do you have a roof over your head? 5/5
Can you feed yourself and your family? 5/5
Do you have a steady job? 3/3
Are you free from racial or sexual discrimination? 5/5
Is your country currently at peace? 6/0
Is your country well away from any geological fault lines? 6/0
Are your parents still alive? 4/4
Are you still on speaking terms with them? 4/4
Have you found God? 3/0
Have you found yourself? 2/2
Are your bowel movements regular? 8/8
Were you born into one of the richer social classes? 5/0
Are you a born optimist? 6/0
Are you a born pessimist? -6/-6
Do you have a sense of humor? +1 if you said yes, +4 if you said no/1

Sooner's Total = 50.

According to Benrick if you score more than 40 points you are luckier than 90% of the human race. I'm scientifically very blessed.

Today I will write a letter to a local newspaper.

Report: Say 128

2004-07-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

I wish I could have tried a mangosteen as was suggested by the charming and witty and often hairless Zaziel. However, my local market did not carry such an interesting and tempting fruit. Instead I bought two fruits I'd never tried before. The peppino and the kiwano. Then I invited Bevin and Haywood over to try them with me.

First the Kiwano. Also known as the African Horned Mellon, which is particularly unusual as it originates from New Zealand. It is a very dramatic fruit as this image indicates. We sliced it open and instantly Haywood was out. "Um, I'm not eating that. No offense."

Bevin and I were a tad more adventurous. We took spoons and dug in. The look of the fruit was deceptively pulpy, when in fact all our spoons could take away was the gelatenous sac around each seed. It felt like snot in my mouth, but tasted remarkably like cucumber. It wasn't all unpleasant, but it wasn't something I would ever eat again. Bevin reported liking the tartness of the fruit. This is a review of the Kiwano that I very much agree with. However, I can't imaging spending time reviewing fruit when not Benricking.

Second, I tried a peppino fruit, which I have been unable to find a photo of. It was about the size of a small plum and egg shaped. It's skin was ivory with purple stripes running throughout. It smelled wonderful. Vaguely tropical like artificially scented sun tan lotion. However, it also tasted like artificially scented sun tan lotion. The flesh was firm and had a nice bite but the flavor of ass filled my mouth and I was none too pleased. Neither was Bevin. Haywood, appearantly not as put off by the appearance of the Peppino, nevertheless declied to taste it, especially after I reacted so badly.

Today I will count my blessings.

Report: Day 127

2004-07-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

"R--, it's Brian. I need your help."

"Ok, what's up."

"Today is office gossip day. And I just heard a rumor that I've been in a torrid affair with A------ for weeks now. It's starting to affect our work and people are talking. It's literally all we think about and we're so distracted that we're making mistakes and our productivity is way down."

"Uh-huh."

"Do you think you can help me spread that around?"

"Sure. No Problem. Is this Benrick?"

"Yeah. I just need to get the word out about my torrid love affair with A------."

"Can do."

~~~~~~

Thirty minutes later I was approached by the government documents librarian and the primary cataloger. "Brian, how long has it been going on?"

"Why, I don't know what you mean, I'm sure."

"Yes, you do. I'm talking about you and A------."

"You mean my beautiful and charming co-worker? Why what about us?"

"Oh, you're still gonna deny it, huh?"

"Listen I don't kiss and t-- I mean, there'ss nothing to tell."

Today I will try a new fruit.

Report: Day 126

2004-07-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

My specific task was to exercise my consumer rights by attempting to purchase an item by the unit, not the predetermined number of units in the package. Examples given were a dolop of face cream or two cookies. Benrick claims I, as a consumer, have the right to do this. However, non of my research could turn up any indication that this was correct. I guess that's the trouble with having free Lexis on account of my job.

I resolved to attempt it anyway. So I went to the Stop N Shop and picked up a box of Pop Tarts. I waited in line at the checkout and when I got to the front I opened the box and then opened a package and removed a single pop tart whcih I placed on the scanner. Diane, the checker, looked at me askance.

"There's no individual bar code, so you may need to ring it up manually."

"There's a bar code right there on the box."

"Yeah, but this bar code is for the whole box. I just want this one pop tart. Just the one."

"Well, they come in a box."

"Initially, that's true. Initially they are in a box, but I want just a single unit. Just the one."

"I'm gonna need to contact the manager."

"Ok. I mean, I know you want to sell me the whole box because of corporate greed and the proffit motive, but when I buy a whole box most of them wind up going bad. And that's crazy given the list of preservatives they have here on the label. That's why I just want one."

"Yeah, you're gonna have to talk to my manager."

"Ok. Cool." So I picked up a tabloid and read about Oprah's recent weight gain while we waited for the manager to come over. The people behind me were cursing me loudly, but I just ignored them and waited for the manager to come over.

"Hello, I'm Jason. How can I help you."

"Hi Jason, I'm Brian and I want to buy just this one pop tart so I asked her to ring it up manually so I wasn't charged for all eight of them. Becuase I just want one."

I watched the manager consider me. I bet he was doing a cost value analysis considering factors such as how stubborn he thought I might be, how crappy his day had been up to that point, how much the pop tarts were worth and other salient facts. I watched his face and I think I pinpointed the exact instant he decided to offer me a deal.

"Well, we only sell them in a box, we don't sell them individually. But how about if I get you a coupon to save you fifty cents on the box."

I took the deal.

Today is office gossip day.

Report: Day 125

2004-07-15T08:55:00.000-05:00

The hardest part about taking your horoscope seriously is to decide which of your horoscopes you will take seriously. I looked at about 15 different horoscopes, all of which were radically different lending credence to my theory that horoscopes are bunk, before deciding on the following from astrology.com.

Go over details today with a magnifying glass and leave no stone unturned. Keep explanations to a minimum and make them concise. Keep yourself busy to stay out of trouble. If you must act, do so quickly and decisively. Take notes about everything that happens to you. Watch what you say, or idle words might find their way back to you at an inconvenient moment. If you remain calm and contained, it should be much easier to unwind at the end of the day.

Now a bit of background. Two days ago I contacted my attorney, with whom I am having a torrid attorney client relationship, at her home by phone. She answered as she normally would but a few seconds into our conversation an unfamilliar male voice appeared on the line. "Hello!" he blustered.

"Why, hello!" I said. "Who is this and what are you doing on our line?"

"Who is this?" he asked angrily.

"My name is Brian, and this is Bevin."

"Hello. I'm Bevin," she added.

"Yes, she's Bevin and as I say I'm Brian. What's your name?"

"This is my phone!" he said.

"Then there is a serious problem because I called Bevin and I know I called Bevin because she answered."

"Yes, I answered when he called me," said Bevin.

"What's your name again?" I asked. "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Continue." He was otherwise silent.

"What?"

"Continue."

"Continue? I can't until you tell me your name. Listen, let's be friends. I just want to know your name. Hello? Hello? Are you shy or something?"

Bevin and I heard a click and after a bit of discussion we decided that the mystery man had left the scene. We giggled a little about the odd technical glitch that brought us together with that shy man and continued our conversation. But very shortly thereafter we heard a dial tone on our line and then we heard someone dialing.

"Hello! Hello! Who is dialing please? What are you doing on our line?"

There was a long silence.

"Do you want to be friends?" I asked.

There was a long beat and then, "I'm trying to dial the technician to repair the line. That's what I'm trying to do." It was our mystery friend.

Bevin and I ended our conversation and I told her I'd try her again in a few minutes on her cell. When I reached Bevin on her cell we were still laughing about how unnerved that guy was and whatever. And then Bevin said, "You know, his name is James A----- and he lives at blah blah blah Street Apartment 5F."

I was quiet for a while and then, "how do you know that?"

"He verified his address for the phone company while I was on the line, so I wrote it down."

I was giddy with the possibilities and it was decided that I would write James a letter the following day. Horoscope day.

Now, if you've read many of these posts, you are certainly aware that I am not afraid of writing letters. I love written correspondence and I have the theory that you have to send it to get it. So, yesterday I wrote James a letter on Wonder Woman stationary during my lunch break.

July 14, 2004

Dear James,

We've not met formally, but I feel like we have. I'm Brian from the phone the other night. You remember. I was all "what's your name?" and you were all silent and shy and stuff. I didn't mean to freak you out, I just wanted to be your friend. That's all. I swear.

Anyway, I had houseguests last week, which was totally fun, but also caused my cats to be totally crabby. Do you like cats? I hope so, James. I have two and the extra people in my small apartment totally cramped their style. They are finally getting back to normal. I believe they were very close to snapping and smothering someone in their sleep! I'll have you to dinner sometime so you can meet them. Don't worry! I'll not let them smother you, James. I promise!

So I hope you got that phone thing corrected. But if you didn't I'm sure we'll speak again next time I call my friend Bevin. I hope you're less shy!

Fondly,
Brian

P.S. Write me back. We should totally be penpals, buddy!

But before I dropped it in the mailbox I revisited the horoscope I was taking seriously and I was suddenly a little nervous. There's that part about idle words and whatever and Bevin described the smothering bit as "a little serial killer." But after consultation with both Haywood and Bevin, I ultimately opted to send the letter. I feel like this was a successful Benrick because I took my horoscope seriously enough to pause before dropping it in the mailbox.

Oh, James. Write me back!

Today I am exercising my full rights as a consumer.

Report: Day 124

2004-07-14T15:08:00.000-05:00

My task was to teach a parrot to say the unpalatable truth. However, I have no parrot. I thought briefly about acquiring one, but after a little research I learned that parrots live to be like 80 or something and you ought to have a great big cage for them or they get cramped and the commitment just seemed altogether too life changing.

Plus I have kitties and they are vicious hunters and they would eat my thousand dollar bird without thinking twice. It's the way of my kitties.

So I decided to use the next best thing: The One True Love of my Life.

"E-----, baby. Come here." She dutifuly obeyed. "Listen, I've got a dicy situation that I need you to take care of for me."

"Ok. What's her problem?" The One True Love of My Life never gets her pronouns right.

"You know Jezebelle? The cleaning lady?"

"I know him."

"Her feet stink, E-----. Phew! Stink-o-Rama!"

"Oh, that's just see he's Mexican."

"E-----, that's right. She is Mexican, and her feet smell."

"Oh, yes."

"Well, the problem is that I don't know how to tell her to wash her damn socks. It's a problem, E-----. Do you think you could help me out?"

Later in the day jezebelle came up to me very upset. "Do you know what that crazy Korean just said to me?"

"No," I lied.

"She told me my feet stink! Have you ever?!"

"Well, you know she's a lunatic. And that's why I love her so."

Today I am taking my horoscope seriously.

Report: Day 115

2004-07-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Benrick provided a very nice door hanger which said, "HI! I am currently experimenting with the concept of siesta. Therefore any issues, no matter how important, will have to wait to be brought before me between the hours of 11am and 3 pm. If I like this I will start doing it every day. PS: A light lunch would be great when I wake up."

Leave aside the awkward wording. I didn't hang it. I'm afraid that since reference waits for no man, the best I could do was space out a little during the siesta time. It seems that I'm strictly a weekend siesta-ier guy.

Was this a Benrick failure? No. Because I had siesta in my heart.

Today I am above the law.

Report: Day 114

2004-07-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

I know I've been a little behind in updating; we've recently had a number of co-workers leave and it's been much busier at work. However, I have been Benricking and I will fill in the blanks.

Last night I received the following in my email.

Brian,

My co-worker, Sara, in an effort to learn the difference between midgets and dwarfs googled midgets. In the search results was found your Sooner journal referencing your request to be admitted into the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest midget. She was then intrigued and read more, interested in what you are doing. She then forwarded the link to me, Laura, for my viewing enjoyment. I must admit we spent the better part of the morning reading your journal. At times we laughed so hard we cried. I just wanted to write you and thank you for contributing to our delinquency from important tasks such as looking busy and answering phones. This is the most I've been entertained all week. Thanks for your steadfast commitment to this project. I look forward to reading of your future experiences.

Love from Salt Lake City, UT,
Laura

It was very nice to receive. It was on my mind as I set about yesterday's task. This was my response this morning.

Oh, Laura.

I was so delighted to get your email that last night when I was Benricking I Benricked in honor of you and Sara.

My task was to tattoo a banana, so I tattooed your names into the banana. I wrapped your names around the fruit like a barb-wire bicep cuff. The Laura/Sara banana is holding up well and is resting on my bar. I pledge not to eat it but to let it rot and then compost it, returning it to the earth in honor of you.

Love,
Sooner

Today I am experimenting with siesta.

Report: Day 105

2004-06-23T10:46:00.000-05:00

A sampling of the many, many lies I told yesterday.

My first word was Canada. My second was somnambulist.

I hold three olympic medals.

I lost a leg to razor wire in a prison escape attempt.

I am formerly of the French Foreign Leigion.

When I was in the circus I had a torrid affair with the lion tamer. He had enormous bitch tits.

I used to collect human hair and spin it into the softest yarn, which I knitted into an afgan that currently resides on the back of my sofa.

My first job was as an astronaut, but it didn't hold the thrill of librarianship so I gave it up.

I was born in the depression and sometimes we ate our own shoes because we were poor and starving to death.

I voted for George Bush. On purpose.

I have in the past balanced a Jeep Comanche on the tip of my nose.

Before I changed my identity, I was a master code breaker. The information I possess places me in constant peril.

I was the recipient of the first babboon to human heart transplant.

There were many, many more, but rest assured that all of these are absolutely true lies about my past.

Today I will end every conversation with the reassuring phrase "but my intentions are good."

Report: Day 104

2004-06-22T10:46:00.000-05:00

Today Benrick had me combine Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparent's Day into one to get them all over with. So I called my parents and my grandparents to wish them happy Various Relatives Day. They are all getting pretty used to this kind of behavior, so none of them really batted an eye. They took it in stride pretty much.

I have a cold.

Today I will be lying about my past.

Vacation Catch Up

2004-06-21T15:48:00.000-05:00

As I told you, I have been Benricking, though posting was difficult while on vacation.

Here is a handy guide to assist you in catching up.

Avoid Electro Magnetic Energy Day
Learn to Spot the Aliens Among Us Day
Sugar is Free Day (A Personal Favorite)
Rap Day
No Swearing Day
Christ's Plight Day
Counterfit Day
Choc-o-Holic Day
Tax Freedom Day
Colon Cleansing Day

Regards.

Report: Day 103

2004-06-21T13:25:00.000-05:00

The key to cleansing your colon day is fiber, as anyone will tell you. I started the day with a bran muffin, had a leafy green salad for lunch, and ended the day with some wood chips from a flower bed I passed.

Then I hired a strapping young man to give me an old school enema, and what can I say. Today I have the healthiest colon around!

Today is various relatives day.

Report: Day 102

2004-06-20T14:45:00.000-05:00

Statistically, one hundred and two days into the year the average American has earned enough to satisfy his or her tax burden. That makes yesterday, on my Benrick fiscal calandar, my tax freedom day. My specific directive was to write a government official and complain about my heavy tax burden. Following is a transcription of a letter posted on June 21, 2004.

June 20, 2004

Senator Frank Lautenberg
324 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Lautenberg:

I am one of your constituents. I have a J.D., and am currently working as a law librarian for the Rutgers Law School in Newark, NJ. I have a complaint.

I have noticed that many corporations do not pay any taxes at all. According to the latest figures from the Government Accounting Office (GAO) 63 percent of U.S. corporations paid absolutely no taxes in 2000 and a staggering 93.9 percent of U.S. corporations paid less than five percent of their income. Less than 5 percent, Senator. I pay much more than that. So do you.

How is this possible? Loopholes, special exemptions and other junk riders that get attached to tax legislation, and offshore holding companies outside of the reach of the IRS. Senator, I think this is shameful. And I bring this complaint to you because you represent me in the drafting of and passing of tax law.

I know you are only one man. One voice in one hundred. But I want to urge you to do something about it. Something for me. This is my proposal.

I would like you to attach a rider to the next bill that crosses your desk which is sure to pass. The rider should be called the Brian Blaho Exemption and it should permit me, by name, to form a private holding citizen, owned and controlled entirely by me, which will take title to all my income and assets. These holdings will be sheltered from all tax liability in the exact same way that corporate holdings are when corporate citizens form holding companies. I will form this private holding citizen for all my income and assets, but I do not want to give up my U.S. citizenship and all the marvelous benefits which accompany it. This is key.

I still want to be able to vote, I still want to be able to file for unemployment should I lose my job, I still want to use the roads, and I still want to be protected from crime by the police. I will be 100 percent American with all that that entails, but I'll contribute absolutely nothing to the maintenence or creation of the services I expect just like corporate America does.

I know you can make this happen for me, Senator. And in excange I promise to use a small portion of my tax free income to contribute to your re-election. In fact, I'll go as high as the $2,000 maximum contribution. Promise.

I leave the details in your capable hands, but I am happy to help with the drafting of the language to be used in the Brian Blaho Exemption or in any other way I can. Feel free to contact me day or night; this tax shelter will increase my income significantly so I'm totally willing to pitch in at any time to get it done.

Workin' Hard for the Money,
Brian Blaho
Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

I'm going to wind up with a pretty nifty FBI file.

Today I'm focusing on the health of my colon.

Report: Day 101

2004-06-19T14:44:00.000-05:00

I am already a choc-o-holic. It's true.

So I indulged a little, but it wasn't that interesting, really.

Today I will celebrate Tax Freedom Day.

Report: Day 100

2004-06-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

The goal for this day was to introduce a counterfit bill into the stream of commerce. So, I took a one dollar bill and with a black sharpie I crossed out all the ones and wrote in eights. Then I drove through Wendy's and tried to pay for my hamburger with the bill. They accpeted it as a one, and over my loud protests, demanded more cash.

If you get a one doctored to look like an eight in change, be sure to demand they honor it as an eight dollar bill.

Today I will become a choc-o-holic.

Report: Day 99

2004-06-17T14:15:00.000-05:00

Officially, I was supposed to build a giant life size cross and drag it around with me all day, but this was impractical, so instead I just suffered.

"No, no. I'll sit in the back seat. Then I want you to push the seat back as far as it goes. Then I want you to recline."

"I would like to watch channel 8, but just put it on one of those Jesus channels instead. I'll be ok."

"Thank you, but I'll have the tall instead of the grande."

You get the idea. I slept on the floor for a little extra sufferin'.

Today is counterfit day.

Report: Day 98

2004-06-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

No swearing day wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I was staying with my parents who disapprove of swearing so I was already in the habbit. None the less, I adapted Benrick style to the challenge by substituting "rats!" for swear words as often as possible.

"RATS! I stubbed my toe."

"I don't want to eat any of those RATS!"

"Go RATS yourself, ok?"

You get the idea.

Today I will be experiencing Christ's plight.

Report: Day 97

2004-06-15T13:59:00.000-05:00

I quickly found out that I will never get as hip hop lable to sign me. My raps came out sounding a bit like Doctor Seuss.

Some samples:

Let's get in the car
and head out to Star-
bucks for coffee
and maybe pastry
as hungry we are.
Word to your mother.

The puppy don't fetch
She paces like a wretch
I call
'go get the ball!'
But she won't and that's all.
Word to your mother.

Bevin suggested my rap name should be Doctah Sooos. I think I like that a lot.

Today is no swearing day.

Report: Day 96

2004-06-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

The rules I set for myself were as follows. Today I would take only sugar set out for people to take. No digging around in cabinets or anything like that. Additionally, I would take only sugar and leave behind any blue, pink, or yellow stuff. Finally I would not take any containers with sugar, only the sugar itself. No bowls, spoons, or pouring containers. I carried around a couple of ziplocs in case I ran into such devices.

One: The Coffee Stand

First thing off the bat, my sister and brother-in-law asked if I wanted to go with them to Target to help them pick out a present for a friend of ours who was having a baby shower. I strapped on my man purse and we hit the road.

At Target I went to get some coffee at the little Target snack bar thing. I was mostly interested in the sugar, but coffee sounded good too. I went over to the coffee doctoring station and immediately noticed an enormous bin full of sugar packets. I reached up and grabbed a fistful of them and stuffed them into my man purse as non chalantly as was possible. Then I took a yellow packet and poured it into my coffee.

As I reached for my next handful of sugar a neighborly man came up behind me. He set his soda down on the counter and said, "You get your caffine from your coffee and I get mine from my pop!"

Two things. First In Oklahoma, as in many middle states they word they use to refer to the category of beverage Pepsi falls into is pop. It's a regional thing. I used it when I lived there, but when I moved to the east coast I quickly learned that noone uses it here and after a few blank stares from well meaning waitresses, I adapted.

Second, the standard of minimum polite interaction is very different from place to place. In New Jersey it is considered most polite to avoid any appearance that you will be taking up the time of another without very good cause. You don't speak to other people when a nod of the head will do. In Oklahoma, however, it is considered most polite to acknowledge other people, even strangers, by speaking to them and passing silently by can be taken as rude and off putting.

I had to distract him.

"Yeah, caffine is caffine. Doesn't much matter how you get it, I guess. Would you hand me a lid, please?"

He turned and I stuffed an enormous handful of sugar in my man purse.

"Here you go," he said.

"Thank you," I replied. "I'll trade you this straw."

I looked at the bin and there were only three or four packets of sugar remaining, so I decided I'd collected enough.

Two: The Baby Shower

I'd never been to a baby shower, but I got a special dispensation to be there, even though I was a boy, because I was in town for such a limited amount of time and there would be no other opportunity to see the mom on my visit.

"Oh, Beth," I asked of the hostess, "do you have any sugar for my tea?"

"Certainly, Brian," she responded.

She presented me with the sugar bowl from her kitchen table. I opened my man purse and took out a ziploc. Then I used the tiny little spoon to scoop out the sugar into my ziploc one half tea spoon at a time. After about thirty five scoops and countless odd stares, the bowl was just about empty, so I upended it, pouring the last remaining granuals into my bag. I gave the bowl a little tap to make sure I had gotten it all, then I returned the bowl and spoon to the hostess.

She turned slowly, not knowing exactly what to make of me, and started away. "Oh, Beth, one second please. May I see the spoon for one second?" Beth handed me the spoon and I spooned two little spoonfuls of sugar from my ziploc into my tea and stirred it briskly.

"Thank you," I said as she disappeared into the kitchen. "I've never been to a baby shower before. Is it time to open presents?"

Three: The Restaurant

I sat down to dinner with my parents and as soon as the waiter took our drink order and stepped away, I emptied the caddie of sugar into my man purse. My parents, a bit alarmed, could only stare.

I caught the eye of a passing bus boy. "Do you mind, our sugar caddy is empty. Could you refill it for us?" He dutifuly obliged and as soon as he stepped away, I again emptied all the sugar into my man purse.

When the waiter returned with our entres I again asked that the caddy be refilled, and again stuffed the contents into my man purse.

The fourth time I had it refilled, my parents finally said something. "What are you doing?"

"I'm Benricking."

"Oh."

On our way out the door, I emptied the sugar caddy the final time.

Four: Observations and Notes

Once you start looking, you would be amazed at how many places sugar is free.

I collected an ounce or two more than four pounds of sugar all tolled. I bought a vanilla bean and a clear glass canister and after about an hours work emptying those tiny packets into the canister created some very nice vanilla sugar for my mother.

Today I rap.

Report: Day 95

2004-06-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

This one saw the whole family joining in as I sought out their assistance. Of course, to my mom and dad a piercing or a tattoo indicated suspicious alien behavior. I was a little more dubious about that aspect. So over the course of the day we came up with a number of rules for spotting the aliens among us.

1) If you wear fur in the summer you are an alien.

2) If you have a significant portion of your skin covered in foil you are an alien.

3) If you build a little pyramid of salt shakers and salsa bowls on your table you are probably an alien. The jury is still out on that one.

4) Finally, if you are from another planet, you are an alien.

Today is sugar is free day.

Report: Day 94

2004-06-12T12:15:00.000-05:00

As was widely pointed out, avoiding all sources of electromagnetic energy was simply impossible. So I decided that I would put at least five feet between me and any external sources of electro magnetic energy.

This was particularly difficult because It meant walking down the middle of the room to avoid the lamps and the outlets. It meant no cell phone, in fact no phone calls of any kind because I was staying with my parents and they did not have a speaker phone that I could distance myself from. Finally I just went out in the back yard with the dog and we played a game of fetch and napped happily in the hammock.

Explaining why I was not sleeping indoors last night was particularly difficult, but we all managed to get through it.

Today I will learn to recognize the aliens among us.

Report: Day 93

2004-06-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

The odds against you finding this blog and reading it are so astronomical that I simply cannot find any reason to write anything of significance.

Today I will avoid all sources of electromagnetic energy

Report: Day 92

2004-06-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

I already have a will, that class in law school on estates and trusts totally scares you into being prepared, and though this may be a cop out, I need only make the following changes at this time.

To my friend April I leave my copy of Benrick and all physical paraphanalia associated with or obtained by me as a result of Benricking, including any intellectual property.

To my friend Peth I leave any pornographic material I may possess at the time of my death, as I know she will know how to put it to good use.

To my friend Bevin I leave my little blue Eagle with the expectation that she will set it on fire and host a party in which all in attendance roast marshmallows over it.

To my friend Zanti I leave my pudding wrasslin' pit, the same pit in which we first met.

Today I will experience a little cosmic humility.

Report: Day 91

2004-06-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

"Um, Brian?"

"Yeah."

"Um, I'm almost afraid to ask."

"'Bout what?"

"What is that in your mouth there?"

"A potato."

"A potato?"

"Yes, a potato."

"What are you doing with a potato in your mouth?"

"I'm sucking on it."

"You're sucking on it?"

"Yes, I'm sucking on a potato."

"Oh. I see."

"Yeah."

"Hey, Brian?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you sucking on that potato?"

"Well, if I tell you it's for Benrick will you want a complete answer?"

"I don't know."

"Well, it is for Benrick."

"Ah."

"Yep."

"Ok. Tell me what Benrick has you doing today."

"I'm inventing a new way to peel potatoes."

"Peel potatoes?"

"Yep. Peel potatoes."

"And so you're sucking on them."

"Well, just one."

"Just one?"

"Yeah, just one potato."

"To peel it?"

"Yes. I'm trying to see how long it will take for my mouth juices to soften and dissolve the skin or in the alternative to loosen it and permit me to sort of flake it off using the pad of my thumb."

"Oh."

"It's a new way to peel potatoes."

"I see."

"It is very time consuming, but it requires very little work."

"Oh."

"And once you get used to the starchy taste it's actually quite meditative."

"Really?"

"Yes. It is my hope that I will revolutionalize potato peeling with this new method."

"Uh-huh."

"I mean just imagine 40 or 50 people sucking on potatoes on your morning commute. Standing on line at the bank. Walking the dog at the park."

"Oh."

"There's never a bad time to suck a potato."

"I'd like you not to suck potatoes at the reference desk ever again, ok?"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But it's only for today and it's for a good cause."

"What cause?"

"I'm trying to change my life radical style."

"Brian, now I'm serious."

"Really?"

"Yes. Don't suck potatoes out here. In fact don't suck potatoes in the library. Anywhere in the library."

"What?"

"That's right. We've got a new policy."

"That's outrageous. This is just a potato and this is just my mouth. It's totally natural."

"Nevertheless, we have a stict no potato sucking policy now and I will be strictly enforcing the strict no potato sucking policy. It just looks obscene, Brian. Honestly."

"Fine."

"I've got my eye on you."

For the record, it takes about 3 hours to suck the skin off of a medium sized potato.

Today I will be writing my will.

Note: I am leaving tomorrow for a short vacation to visit my parents. I will certainly still be Benricking, but for the next week or so posting may be erratic. I appreciate your patience.

Report: Day 90

2004-06-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

So today's Benrick is fairly evil. But not fun-evil; just evil. The Bangladeshi Taka is currently trading at 58 tk to 1 US dollar. The Benrick task today was to buy 100 Bangladeshi Takas and then on December 31 at 4:55 p.m. Bangladeshi time everyone who's Benricking was supposed to sell them back. This would have the cumulative effect of flooding the market with Takas causing the value of the Taka to plummet.

So, against my better judgment, I invested in the Taka. I had to contact the Bangladeshi Foreign Exchange--in Bangladesh which is not a local call--and with fees and what not this entire endeavor cost me about 10US plus the toll charges.

I'm told I will not receive currency in the mail, but I will receive information on my investor's account and periodic statements. I hope they're in English.

Today I will invent a new way to peel potatoes.

Report: Day 89

2004-06-07T10:07:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning ready for a little screaming. I mean, who doesn't need a good scream every once in a while. So I got up and put on my bathrobe. I ventured down stairs and stood on my street corner and just let loose with a good loud primal scream.

There was no response from my neighbors except for a muffled "shut up" from somewhere across the street.

I think every other day should be primal scream day.

Today I am helping to collapse a currency.

Report: Day 88

2004-06-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

I sport a 15 inch bicep. According to Benrick this makes me a real man.

Today is primal scream day.

Day 87 Bonus: From Lipitor - for listening pleasures.

.-. . .--. --- .-. - / -.. .- -.-- / ---.. --... / .-.-.-

2004-06-05T08:26:00.000-05:00

..-. --- .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / - .-. .- -. ... .-.. .- - .. -. --. / -. . . -.. ... / .-.-.-

-.-- . ... - . .-. -.. .- -.-- / -- --- .-. -. .. -. --. / .. / - .- .--. . -.. / - .- .-. --. . - ... / ..- .--. / --- -. / - .... . / .-- .- .-.. .-.. / --- ...- . .-. / - .... . / .... . .- -.. ... / --- ..-. / - .... . / -.-. .. .-. -.-. ..- .-.. .- - .. --- -. / ... ..- .--. . .-. ...- .. ... --- .-. / .- -. -.. / - .... . / --- -. . / - .-. ..- . / .-.. --- ...- . / --- ..-. / -- -.-- / .-.. .. ..-. . / .-.-.-

.. / --. .- ...- . / - .... . -- / -... --- - .... / -.-. --- .--. .. . ... / --- ..-. / - .... . / -- --- .-. ... . / .- .-.. .--. .... .- -... . - / .- -. -.. / .... .- ...- . / -... . . -. / ... . -. -.. .. -. --. / - .... . -- / -- . ... ... .- --. . ... / .- .-.. .-.. / -.. .- -.-- / .-- .. - .... / - .... . / ..- ... . / --- ..-. / .- / .-.. .- ... . .-. / .--. --- .. -. - . .-. / .-.-.-

. -..- .- -- .--. .-.. . ... / .-.-.-

.. / -.-. .- -. / ... -- . .-.. .-.. / -. -- --- ..- .-. / ..-. . . - / .-.-.-

--.- ..- .. -.-. -.- / .... .. -.. . / --..-- / -- --- -. ... - . .-. / -.-. --- -- .. -. --. / .-.-.-

.. / .-.. .. -.-. -.- / - --- .- -.. ... / ..-. --- .-. / .-. . -.-. .-. . .- - .. --- -. .- .-.. / .--. ..- .-. .--. --- ... . ... / --- -. .-.. -.-- / .-.-.-

--. . - / -- . / ... --- -- . / -.-. --- ..-. ..-. . . / --..-- / -... .. - -.-. .... / .-.-.-

- --- -.. .- -.-- / .. / .-- / .. / .-.. .. .-.. .-.. / -- . .- ... ..- .-. . / -- -.-- / -... .. -.-. . .--. - / .-.-.-

Report: Day 86

2004-06-04T08:18:00.000-05:00

Listen, I already go to the other side of the tracks every day when I go to work. The law school isn't in the best neighborhood. Naturally, just going to work would not be enough. So last night I went to get my hair cut in Hackensack. For those of you who do not know, except for a condo district on top of a hill, Hackensack is a hole.

So, I made the treacherous journey to the ghetto Supercuts on Essex street where I waited more than an hour to get my hair cut by a woman who did not speak English and who smelled of curry. Describing what I wanted was difficult, but I managed to find a picture. She did a marvelous job. Marvelous. I should slum a little more often.

Today is Morse Code day.

Report: Day 85

2004-06-03T07:51:00.000-05:00

I think it was lovely. It was my original plan to have my logo put on a red balloon for releasing purposes, but the company I hired to do that did not get the balloons I ordered back to me in time, so I printed out a couple of logos on paper and put my email address on the back.

I took Bevin to the nearest party supply store and bought 2 red helium filled balloons. We tied my logo on to the string making them official Soonerverse balloons. Then we took one each over to a median in the center of Route 3 in Clifton, New Jersey, very near the Party City.

"Are you ready?" Bevin asked?

"Wait!" I responded. "I want to say a few words first."

"Well hurry, Brian," she said, "It's gonna rain any minute."

I took a deep breath and said, "We release these official Soonerverse balloons, these emmisaries of the Soonerverse, with the expectation that they will travel far and kill nothing." And on a three count Bevin and I released the balloons into a thunder storm.

We watched them until we could not see them anymore, enduring the jeers of the Jersey motorists who were passing by.

"God speed, Soonerverse balloons," whispered Bevin. "God speed."

Today I will travel to the wrong side of the tracks.

Report: Day 84

2004-06-02T06:06:00.000-05:00

Well, it rained all day yesterday, which was a total pain in the ass. So I didn't get to the fruit stand to buy an apple to harvest its seeds and plant them in the park. And I didn't get to the park to plant anything. However, I did bring a couple of apricots with my lunch so I had two fruit tree stones ready and available for planting.

Of course, because I didn't want to get wet I had to find some place to plant them inside the law school. So I wandered around and found two large potted plants. I buried the stones in the soil without disturbing the potted plants and I look forward to the contracted plant keepers tending to my apricot trees in the coming years.

Today I will release a red balloon.

Report: Day 83

2004-06-01T09:05:00.000-05:00

Today I called a friend three timezones away at what would have been for her a very early hour. I told her that I thought human time keeping was arbitrary and I asked her to reset her clocks to eastern daylight time and carry out her day on Eastern time.

"Can you do that for me?" I asked.

"Yes," was the resolute answer. "I can."

"Good," I said. "It's already nine a.m. Aren't you late for work?"

I am waiting for a report on the rest of her day.

Today I am planting an apple tree in the park.

Report: Day 82

2004-05-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

I spent my first thirty minutes in the lotus position and I have to say it was a very relaxing exercise just being still. I had the news on the radio in the background, but I paid it little attention. My mind wandered to and fro and hither and thither. About 25 minutes into the experiment my feet fell asleep from the ankles down and I got all tingly and uncomfortable, but I stuck it out for the full 30 minutes. The Dahli Lama would have been very proud of me.

Today I will do something about the arbitrariness of human time keeping.

Report: Day 81

2004-05-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

Benrick has a very unconventional definition of celebrate. The specific assigned task was to lure a fly on to the Day 81 page and then smash it into the book. This celebration of nature involved destroying a little part of it. Sort of like celebrating independence day with a few nuclear detonations. Also it would have soiled my book.

So, I celebrated nature by declining to shower and walking around barefoot all day. Yes, my hair was a mess, but that was its natural state. Yes, I was a little smelly, but it was a natural musk. Yes, the natural waxy buildup in my ears went unchallenged and unremoved.

It was really very liberating and I discovered I had tons of extra time. And I cannot help but constantly evaluate the fact that if I spent less time everyday trying to avoid offending you I could get so much more done. This fact is not lost on me.

Today I am sitting in the lotus position for thirty minutes.

Report: Day 80

2004-05-29T08:30:00.000-05:00

Oh, friends. This one was a challenge. Benrick wanted me to begin filing down a wooden piece of furniture and sprinkle a little of it on my food for the next 20 years. I am committed to a radical style change, but I am not a lunitic. A splinter in the soft lining of my esophogas? That would put a radical style medical procedure in my future. So I improvised.

I started with polenta which I shaped into a rectangle. Then I put a little garlic and oil over it. I grilled it to cook it through and help it keep its shape. Then I wrapped it in a sheet of pasta and placed it on a plate. I put a little pesto on the sheet and then I put a second sheet on, being careful to fold down the top just so. I finished it with two raviolis which I used as pillows. Then I floated my polenta bed in a red sauce and sprinkled on some parmesean cheese.

It was delicious.

Today I will celebrate nature.

Report: Day 79

2004-05-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

Here is a sample of what I learned about yesterday. I'm truly an expert.

Weather in Zambia: At 2p.m. EDT the weather conditions at Lusaka International Airport, Zambia were as follows:

Wind from the ESE (110 degrees) at 6 MPH (5 KT)
Visibility greater than 7 mile(s)
Temperature 62 F (17 C)
Dew Point 60 F (16 C)
Relative Humidity 93%
Pressure (altimeter) 30.30 in. Hg (1026 hPa)

Number of wars in progress: According to the latest available figures, there are 218 political conflicts in progress. 14 of these are wars and 21 are serious crises: a total of 35 conflicts carried out with a massive amount of violence. 45 conflicts are levelled as crises, meaning violence is used only occasionally. In contrast, there are 138 non-violent conflicts, that can be broken down into 63 manifest and 75 latent conflicts.

World population: 6,430,921,222

Result of main sporting event: French Open Women's Singles Results for Round 1

Serena Williams (2) def. Maria Kirilenko 4-6, 6-2, 6-4
Venus Williams (4) def. Jelena Kostanic 6-3, 6-3
Anastasia Myskina (6) def. Barbora Strycova 6-0, 6-4
Jennifer Capriati (7) def. Kveta Peschke 7-5, 6-3
Svetlana Kuznetsova (11) def. Barbara Rittner 6-1, 6-4
Virginia Ruano Pascual def. Ai Sugiyama (12) 6-7 (4-7), 6-2, 6-1
Shinobu Asagoe def. Patty Schnyder (16) 7-5, 3-6, 6-4
Francesca Schiavone (17) def. Virginie Razzano 6-1, 4-6, 6-3
Gisela Dulko def. Conchita Martinez (20) 6-4, 7-5
Fabiola Zuluaga (23) def. Elena Likhovtseva 7-5, 5-7, 6-1
Elena Bovina (25) def. Anna-Lena Groenefeld 3-2, retired
Denisa Chladkova def. Petra Mandula (29) 6-2, 6-3
Mary Pierce (30) def. Gala Leon Garcia 6-1, 6-1
Myriam Casanova def. Maria Vento-Kabchi 6-4, 2-6, 6-3
Katarina Srebotnik def. Shenay Perry 6-4, 6-3
Silvija Talaja def. Stephanie Foretz 2-6, 7-6 (10-8), 6-2

First topic on Jerry Springer: Today's topic was Vicious Vamps.

Middle East oil reserves: 479.33 billion barrels

Number of astronauts in space: There are three astronauts currently residing in the international space station on this date. Mike Fincke, Gennady Padalka, André Kuipers.

Lottery results in Colorado: The Colorado Cash 5 results are as follows.

1- 7- 11- 12- 14.

Percentage of faked orgasms: Well, according to jeanlouie.com "The probability that the sheet-grabbing, eye-propping, wall-banging, nail-digging, earth-shaking orgasm your female partner reached last time was a fake production is around 70%, by all accounts and surveys. It may be higher than that." I take no credit for that figure.

Moon-Earth distance at midday: 384,467km

Horoscope of Leos with Scorpio ascendants: "If you haven't lived up to your expectations, look into what it will take to do so. Do not give up when all that's required is a little extra push. This is not the day to sell yourself short."

Number of birthdays worldwide: 17,606,903

Today I will eat a piece of furniture.

Report: Day 78

2004-05-27T10:04:00.000-05:00

Benrick has provided a politically correct checklist. I am delighted to announce that my circle of friends is completely politically correct. Here is the proof.

* Caucasian - my friend Sean
* Hispanic/Latino - my friend LoRo
* Japanese - my friend Wee
* Chinese - my friend Addie
* African/African American - my friend Bevin
* Native American - my friend Peth
* Pacific Islander - my friend The One True Love of my Life
* Indian/Pakistani - my friend, and Soonerverse graphic designer, Haywood
* Other Asian - my friend Col

So as you can see, I'm very well rounded and culturally aware.

Today I will become an expert on today.

Report: Day 77

2004-05-26T10:39:00.000-05:00

What fun designing my own logo has been! What do you think? I have a future, right?

Yeah, I know. That's why I enlisted the assistance of Haywood who is a professional graphic designer by day and a sex goddess by cover of night.

Isn't it fantastic? I'm having stationary made.

Thank you, Haywood! You're a marvel.

Today I will determine exactly how politically correct my circle of friends really is.

Report: Day 76

2004-05-25T10:42:00.000-05:00

No, I did not wear mandles. No, I did not buy shoes that were too small, I borrowed them. Yes, I had very hurty feet.

I do not recommend this day to you unless you are totally committed to changing your life radical style. Wearing shoes that are too small is uncomfortable and a little painful. I wore the thinnest socks in my drawer which was smart. And I had a foot bath ready to go when I got home.

Now I have a blister on my right heel. I wish I had someone to kiss it and make it better. And maybe give it a good lancing.

Today I am designing my own logo.

Report: Day 75

2004-05-24T15:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I contacted Ginos in Baton Rouge, Louisiana at (225) 927-7156 to reserve a table for 2 on July 4 at 8 p.m.

"Gino's."

"Yes, hello, is this Gino's?"

"Yes, this is Gino's."

"Yes. Gino's. Good. I'd like to make a reservation for the fourth of July."

"Hold please."

Crazy accordian music plays.

"Uh, sir?"

"Yes, I'm still here. A reservation for two."

"Uh, sir, we're closed on the forth of July."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. We're closed."

"Because it's just that I heard you were open. I read it in a book."

"Well, we're not."

"Oh. Ok. Thanks."

Today I am wearing shoes one size too small.

Report: Day 74

2004-05-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

I think the problems in the Middle East are terrible.

I think Einstein will ultimately be vindicated.

I think people who pronounce bananas "nanners" are funny.

I think everyone should bathe regularly.

I think Dentine is from the devil.

I think the odds are against me.

I think invisible tape is mysterious.

I think Benricking is fun.

Today I will reserve a table at Gino's (Hey look! A prank call!)

Report: Day 73

2004-05-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

My new hobby is collecting condiment packets. You know, the ones. Ketchup and mayonayse in the little foil bubble from Wendy's and what not. I am collecting these packets in a drawer at the reference desk. I will add one for every shift I work at the reference desk between now and the diciplinary action which is surely on the horizon.

My first packet will be some Taco Bell "fire" sauce and will be placed in the drawer at the reference desk on Monday.

Today I will express my views.

Report: Day 72

2004-05-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

Oy! Another prank call.

"Peary Elementary School."

"Ms. Hicks please."

"Who?"

"Ms. Hicks. The kindergarten teacher."

"Our kindergarten teacher is not named Ms. Hicks. Who is this please?"

"Damn. I was afraid of that. My name is Brian Blaho and I'm a former student of Ms. Hicks. I was hoping she'd still be there."

"Oh, how nice. No, we have a new kindergarten teacher now. How long ago were you a student here?"

"Well, I only attended kindergarten there and that was 25-26 years ago."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Anyway, may I speak to the principal?"

"Sir, Mr. Blaho, what is this in regard to?"

"I lost a rattle when I was five and I'm trying to track it down. I spent some serious time at Peary around the May Pole and what not so I thought it might still be there. In storage or something."

"What?"

"Do you have a lost and found?"

"Sir, we have nothing more than a few months old in the lost and found."

"Look, I've been in therapy trying to overcome some serious shit, ok? And I've only just recovered the memory of my rattle and I really, really need to locate it. It's important. To my mental health. And you people have it. I know you do. My last memory of the rattle is around the finger painting station in Ms. Hicks classroom and I want it back."

"Sir, there's nothing I can do."

"That's bullshit. Can't you just look? Can you just run down the hall and look for it? It's blue with stars and moons in yellow. Painted tin or aluminum."

"Sir, we don't have it. It would have been donated to charity long long ago."

"You know what's wrong with you mother fuckers? You have no respect for personal proerty. How the hell am I going to move forward in therapy now? How will I ever get closure?"

"Sir, I'm disconnecting this call because of your swearing."

Today I will get a hobby.

Report: Day 71

2004-05-20T14:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw more of the world. Specifically this involved taking my morning bus a stop beyond my destination and hoofing it back to work so that I could see all the things I normally miss.

My bus ride is into an urban area where bus stops are closer together than out in the suburbs where I originate so a single stop beyond my regular stop is two blocks from work and in the middle of an area I see every day. So I decided to take the bus to it's terminal stop, which is about a half mile from the law school.

On my way into work I walked past the other law school in down town Newark and I marveled at the sleek glass exterior of their ediface. I noted a cute sandwich shop that I want to try for lunch sometime. I counted fifteen homeless folks sleeping on the sidewalk along the way. Mostly though it was just a longer walk.

Maybe I should have tried it on the way home instead.

Today is closure day.

Report: Day 70

2004-05-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I took the Benrick test to determine whether I am a psychopath. The test consisted of a series of questions which I answered with a numerical value. Once I'd answered all the questions if the sum of my responses was greater than 40 I was instructed to turn myself over to the police immediately.

Perhaps you would like to play along and see if you're a psychopath too, yes?

OK. I will list the Benrick traits and if you possess them not at all, score 0. If you possess them all the time, score 4. If in between score appropriately. My scores are in parentheses.

1) Glibness / superficial charm (2)
2) Grandiose sense of self-worth (2)
3) Tendency to boredom / need for stimulation (4)
4) Pathological lying (1)
5) Cunning / manipulative behavior (3)
6) Lack of remorse (0)
7) Shallow affect (monotone voice, blank expression) (0)
8) Lack of empathy (0)
9) Parasitic Lifestyle (0)
10) Poor behavioral control (2)
11) Promiscuous sexual behavior (2)
12) Behavioral problems early in life (0)
13) Lack of realistic long-term plans (0)
14) Impulsiveness (3)
15) Irresponsible behavior (1)
16) Failure to accept the consequences of actions (0)
17) Many marital relationships (0)
18) Juvenile delinquency (0)
19) Callousness (0)
20) Criminal versatility (1)

My total was 21 which means I'm a little more than half way to psychopath. Where are you, Sunshine?

Today I will see more of the world.

Report: Day 69

2004-05-18T12:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was downsizing day. The idea behind the day is that corporate fat cats have the right idea and a great way to save money is to reduce the number of people who provide services to you and in that way cut expenses.

So I made a list of services I use that I figured I could do without if I had to.

Cleaners
Internet provider
Public transportation
HBO
Netflix
The New York Times
Neighborhood deli

Benrick suggested things like fire your pets. Not only do you save money on food for them, but you can eat them and stretch your grocery budget. You'll notice pets are not on the list.

I considered the list and finally decided to fire HBO. I enjoy having HBO, but I use it so infrequently, especially now that I'm employed again, so I'm kissing it good bye. I contacted the cable company yesterday at 9 p.m. to inform them of my decision.

Today I will take the Benrick test to determine whether I'm a psychopath. The wagering is now open.

Report: Day 68

2004-05-17T08:18:00.000-05:00

My initial inclination on this one was to choose a hair in a very unlikely place and declare it the hair I will be permitting to grow out a full meter. Say this lovely little arm hair on the back of my wrist. However, according to How Stuff Works it is not possible for me to encourage this hair to grow any longer than a fraction of an inch, even with a faithful regime of shaving and Rogaine.

My options, it would seem, are limited to the top of my head. I have, therefore chosen the hair at the very tip of my widows peak. Heedless of men's fashion or other societal norms I will refrain from trimming this hair, though it fall in my eyes, though it declines to be tamed by styling product, though it flutters in the breeze like the plume of a quail.

And if an erstwhile stylist becomes over zealous and despite my protestations snips my meter bound hair, which I will name Trevor, I will commit to starting over, no matter how long it takes, until Trevor reaches his full potential of one meter in length. Oh, I will mourn Trevor if the unspeakable happens in some barber's chair somewhere, but I will live to see Trevor one meter long no matter what it takes.

Today is downsizing day.

Report: Day 67

2004-05-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

This was not my first Benrick related detox but it was certainly easier than the earlier one. I started the day with a ginger smoothie followed by some natural charcoal to cleanse my system and flush out toxins. I limited caffeine intake to green tea and ate only organic vegetables, dairy, and soy throughout the day. I hhad two bowel movements yesterday. I attibute this to the detox.

Before bed I had a series of deep, cleansing breaths. Tomorrow I will be back to refined sugar and insecticide rich veggies. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Today I will choose a hair on my body and permit it to grow to a length of one meter.

Report: Day 66

2004-05-15T21:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I did not flush. As Peth has sometimes said, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."

My water conservation also included a morning sponge bath, instead of a shower, and the use of that alcohol based sanitizing gel instead of soap and water to wash my hands throughout the day.

Every little bit makes a difference.

Today I will undergo a one day detox.

Report: Day 65

2004-05-14T08:52:00.000-05:00

Poem
by: Frank O'Hara

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
LANA TURNER HAS COLLAPSED!
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collappsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up

From Frank O'Hara's collection of poems, Lunch Poems, published in 1964.

That was by heart.

Today I will conserve water.

Report: Day 64

2004-05-13T07:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was supposed to mail a photo of myself and a five dollar bill to a stranger at random with no return address and see what happens. I suspect nothing will happen given the fact that I've provided no real information about how to get in contact with me. Nonetheless, Ms. Susan Williams at 204 W. 350th N., Blackfoot, Idaho, 83221 will benefit from a random fiver in the mail and a charming photo of me and a friend taken at a jazz club in Philly.

Today I will be learning a poem by heart.

Report: Day 63

2004-05-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

The following is a transcription of a letter I posted this morning.

May 11, 2004

CRM Department
Guinness World Records Ltd
8th Floor
338 Euston Rd
London NW1 3BD

Dear Records Keepers:

Thank you for the fine work you have done over the years keeping track of folks with freakishly long fingernails and nose hair that requires styling products. I know of no other resource like yours and I can't tell you how many times I've balanced 7 or 8 glasses on my chin and wondered whether that was the record only to consult your publication and find out I was off by about 70! Aha-ha-haa!

It is no secret among my friends that I have been absolutely obsessed with finding my way into your book for some time, a comment I'm sure you hear with some regularity. This obsession, combined with my complete transformation "radical style" according to the principles of Benrick, have finally brought me, hat in hand, to your door. I believe I am the current holder of a world record and would very much appreciate your feed back in regard to how this can be certified and validated to your satisfaction.

You see, I am the world's tallest midget. At 5'9" I come in well above my fellow little people and it is this freakish defect which has permitted me to blend as seamlessly as I have into the average world.

Of course, this record depends a great deal on how you define the parameters of midgetism. If you are narrow minded you may define midgetism solely on physicality, thus disqualifying me from the recognition I deserve as a world record holder. However, if you define midgetism more broadly, as I have, you can easily come to the same conclusion I reached, namely that midgetism is a state of mind. And once you start thinking like a midget, you are a midget whether you have to duck under door frames or can hide easily under the divan.

I thank you again for the unique service you provide to the world and for considering this record breaking request.

Insert Superlative Here,
Brian Blaho

Today I am sending a photo of myself and a five dollar bill to a stranger with no explanation.

Report: Day 62

2004-05-11T10:18:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the brief interruption. I hope this hasn't queered my life changing potential.

Anyway, last Monday was circle day. I started the day with a big stick of sidewalk chalk and a length of yellow rope tied in a loop in my pocket. Both would prove essential. I altered Benrick's instructions just slightly in that I only used circles when I actually stopped moving. I only drew circles when I was outside. When inside I used the rope in my pocket to form a circle for me to stand in when I was still.

This was very difficult to do in that it involved a great deal of awareness of my physical location and movement from place to place. As most of my Monday was spent inside I had to remember to take my rope with me when I moved about and I had to be careful not to step out of the circle when I was relatively stationary. I found myself limiting my movement more than I though I would for sheer economy.

I didn't really like that day.

Today I will attempt to break a world record.

Hiatus

2004-05-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

I will return to the Benrick project on Monday, May 10.

Report: Day 61

2004-05-03T09:58:00.000-05:00

It seems that I am a circus freak. My features are grossly out of proportion and not at all symmetrical. The details are too painful to recount. Rest assured, gentle reader, I'm hideous.

Today I am preparing circles everywhere I go.

Report: Day 60

2004-05-02T09:48:00.000-05:00

"Johnny's."

"Yes, I'd like to place an order for delivery, please?"

"What'll you have?"

"I'd like an extra large pie with pine needles and Xanex and extra cheese on a gluten free oatmeal cookie crust."

"What?"

"Sicilian deep dish."

"A deep dish pie?"

"Yeah."

"With what now?"

"Extra cheese, pine needles, and Xanex. And I'm gluten intolerant so I need a gluten free oatmeal cookie crust--no raisins."

"Thanks for calling Johnny's."

"Wait! Don't you want my address?"

"No."

Today I am measuring exactly how symmetrical I am.

Report: Day 59

2004-05-01T09:32:00.000-05:00

Benrick said that yesterday I would test to see if I was psychic, but the instructions make it clear that I was actually attempting to test for telekenisis. I'm not exactly sure that they are the same thing, though they may be.

I started with a bottle cap. I looked at it very steadily and concentrated. Rise, I thought. Bend to my will! Comply with the power of my mind!

I was at it for hours, but nothing happened. I'm just not psychic.

Today I will order an impossible pizza.

Report: Day 58

2004-04-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

This one was also a little difficult. I wasn't entirely sure that I had a skill worthy of the generations. I solicited opinions. Some said I should pass on my obvious skill for heavy drinking. Some said I should teach my descendents to complain loudly and often. One even suggested I teach my descendents how to answer reference questions. "And this is the A.L.R. which is different from the Am. Jur. we reviewed yesterday."

But what you may not know about me is that I'm quite an accomplished calligrapher. I'm always hand drawing wedding invitations for royalty and my fingers are forever stained from stray ink splatter. Sometimes, when I was in law school, I would take my notes in calligraphy just for fun. I'd set up my leather desk set in the lecture hall and warn my colleagues seated around me that because these modern desks do not have ink wells they must be very careful around my ink pot or we'd have a huge mess. My classmates were patient if not thrilled with my constant requests for the prof to repeat himself so I could properly capitalize his exact wording and switch back and forth between a broad tip and a fine tip.

So I guess that's what I'd pass on.

Today I will discover whether I'm psychic.

Report: Day 57

2004-04-29T08:38:00.000-05:00

I have to say that this one was a little bit difficult. I have a fairly expansive palate and have tried many things over my short life. But before yesterday I'd never eaten any of these:

So, for the first time ever I ate oysters on the half shell which are a little frightening because they're slimy and raw.

I had mine with seaweed and chili sauce and they were wonderful. Salty and sweet and yummy.

Today I am deciding which of my many skills I'd like to pass on to my descendents.

Report: Day 56

2004-04-28T08:28:00.000-05:00

Oh, gentle reader, yesterday there was much air guitar. And head banging. And two fingers in the air, the pinky and index. I was so heavy metal all day long.

Bevin didn't agree. "Brian, I read an article on the punk rock societal enclave and as I've mentioned before punk rock and heavy metal are closely related. Metal isn't so much into revolution, they're more into money. But the bones are the same, Brian. The underlying heart of punk and metal are the same and believe me when I tell you that you have not yet had a true metal experience."

"Well, Bevin, what should I do?"

"Hold on, Brian, I'm coming right over. I'm going to make sure you have a metal experience."

So Bevin came over and she was totally punkcore. She was even wearing her Bitch & Animal tube socks. "Alright, Brian," she said. "Let's go. Get in the car. It's time to rock!"

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the mall."

"The mall?"

"Yeah, I want to buy some shoes."

So I got in Bevin's car and she played the soundtrack to "A Mighty Wind" which she said was just like metal "unplugged" and that it had a hard core rock vibe to it. Before we went to the mall we stopped at Michael's to get some pink glitter.

"Bevin," I said, "I'm not sure exactly how, you know, rock and roll the craft store is. I'm worried that this might not be very, you know, heavy metal."

"Oh, Brian," said an exasperated Bevin as she rolled her eyes. "This is the kind of place that true rockers, those truly in the lifestyle, come to when they need to get supplies to make themselves look all punk or metal or whatever. This place is so punk rock you won't even be able to stand it! I know, because I read that article as I have already mentioned. Now, go see if you can find puff paint for fabric. It should be back there in the sewing section. Past the bobbins. Go on, now. And don't forget to bang your head while you look. Pink puff paint, Brian. Pink."

When we finally got to the mall I had a key made and bought some shoelaces. Then we went to a place called Torrid to look for pink and black shoes for bevin to dance in. She tried on several pair, each more wonderful than the last. "What do you think about these, Brian?" she asked. "I particularly like that they are patent leather and have a sweet bow on the end of the velcro strap."

"Well, Bevin, I thought we were going to have a heavy metal experience. I don't think rockers spend their evenings shopping for platform sneakers. I'm just uncertain that this is the way it's done."

"Brian, which of us read the article?"

"You did."

"And therefore, which of us knows more about rocking than the other?"

"Well, you do."

"Right. I do. So, therfore, vis a vis, you need to start trusting me a little more and doubting me a little less. Believe me, Brian. Shoe shopping is totally metal appropriate. I mean have you ever seen a band go onstage barefoot? No, you haven't. And why is that? It's becase they go shoe shoppi--OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THESE CAPRIS! Brian, do you think I could wear these with like a really formal top and nice shoes while I'm being a lawyer? I mean, do you think these can be dressed up enough for work?"

We picked out some pink platform sneakers, though we agreed that the ones with the bows were too pale so we settled on the ones with the stars. And Bevin found a pair of matching star covered boots that were total must haves.

"Bevin, I'm still a little uncertain about all this. Am I really having a metal experience? I mean, I'm sitting outside of a dressing room in the mall holding your purse."

"Oh, Brian. This is so metal. I'd even say this was metalcore."

I took her word for it.

Today I'm supposed to eat food that scares me.

Report: Day 55

2004-04-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

The challenge yesterday was in the flip, not the pancakes. I was one up on Benrick, however, as I already knew how to flip pancakes.

There is a technique. You have to loosen the cake from the pan (the use of a nonstick skillet and touch of butter or oil aids in this) before you attempt the flip. Hold the pan away from the stove and angled down just a bit. Work the cake to the bottom part of the pan. Then in one quick motion flip the cake up, while simultaneously pulling the pan toward you. If you've done it correctly the cake just lands in the pan with no effort.

I had eggs and sausage with my pancakes last night.

Today I am living the heavy metal lifestyle.

Report: Day 54

2004-04-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

According to Benrick the statistical norm from an adult human male is 9 occurrences per day for a total of approximately 50 cc of methane. After keeping track throughout the day I am pleased to report that I am slightly above average. I had 10 occurrances. Perhaps it was the ruffage at lunch?

Today is flip the perfect pancake day.

Report: Day 53

2004-04-25T09:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I returned all my junk mail. Benrick suggested I do this by writing "return to sender attn: (fictious name)" in an effort to cost the sender money in that their resources would be wasted tracking down the fictious name. I thought that this was an excellent idea, but it was incomplete. Some of those junk mail providers may have very small staffs and if there are only 4 people working there then they'd know right away that Ms. Princess Cruise does not work there. So I set out to cost the junk mailer's actual money.

I spoke to a postal representative about the situation and he told me that if I put the word "refused" on the mail I wanted to return, not only would it be returned to the sender, but the sender would be charged postage for the return.

So that's exactly what I did.

No, I thought to myself, I do not need anything from Pottery Barn. I refuse your offer for a new Visa card! I have no equity, so I have no need for refinancing!

It was very gratifying.

Today I am counting my farts to ascertain whether I pose a particular danger to the ozone layer.

Report: Day 52

2004-04-24T12:28:00.000-05:00

I have discovered the meaning of life. I'm sharing it with you here. Though I am very pleased with Trillian's suggestion that I begin at 42

Today I'm returning all my junk mail.

Report: Day 51

2004-04-23T07:52:00.000-05:00

It was senseless day which means that I was supposed to spend the entire day without using my sense of sight. As I have mentioned before, I love Benricking, but I must keep my employment in order to support my Benrick habit, so spending the entire day in a library without the use of my eyes was simply impossible.

I therefore came up with a compromise. An eye patch. By wearing an eye patch I could be senseless on just the right side which would facilitate my Benrick task while simultaneously permitting me to work for the man without too many hassles.

It went fairly smoothly, but what I hadn't anticipated was the number of times someone asked me if I was alright. "What happened?" "How does the other guy look?" "Conjunctivitis?"

My standard response became, "I lost a bet," which seemed to satisfy most concerned patrons. My co-workers, however were not fooled.

"Is this Benrick?" they would ask. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

It is very difficult to read with only one eye. I bumped into my fair share of objects and occasionally I would reach for something only to have my hand close before I realized I'd missed it entirely. I got dizzy occasionally. When I got home I had a mild headache from eye strain.

Fashion was an interesting challenge. The strap of the eye patch does all kinds of unsightly things to your hair. And I tried briefly to wear my glasses over the patch, but that just proved il-conceived. And when my hair fell in front of my face I was blinded, so I applied gel at lunch.

Today I must discover the meaning of life.

Report: Day 50

2004-04-22T08:16:00.000-05:00

Benrick suggested I draw attention to myself by wearing a crown or carrying a midget around under my arm (I wish!) or wearing unusual clothing. But I'm sitting at a desk next to a box of candy on account of it being National Libraries Week so I have been catching the eye of everyone who comes to the library without any effort at all. So I decided that I would make people notice me by making outrageous claims throughout the day. A typical conversation went something like this.

~~~~~~

"Excuse me. Hello? Excuse me, sir."

"Yes?"

"Did you know that in the basement right now they are preparing a 35 pound quiche?"

"What?"

"It's true. Better run down and get your slice before it's all gone! Run now. Run."

~~~~~~

"How is your exam preparation coming?"

"Oh, pretty well. I'm nervous about my seminar."

"I know that feeling. When I was in law school my lowest grade came from my seminar. Professor Patterson's The Law of Jell-O Wrestling."

"What?"

"Yeah, I got a C- which came as a total shock to me because I'd spent the entire semester doing practical research at Dominic's in Evesham. I was there, like, three times a week. Sometimes more."

"Where did you go to law school?"

"The University of Guam. They have a correspondence program."

~~~~~~

"Can you tell me where the restroom is?"

"Well, I could, but it would do you little good."

"What?"

"The nearest restroom is through that hall on the left, but this morning there was a manufacturer's recall and the toilets have been removed. For safety."

"Safety?"

"Yeah. Truth be told, I'd rather be safe than sorry when I've got my pants around my ankles, if you know what I mean and I think you do."

"So what happens if you need to use the restroom?"

"Well, I've been telling the guys that they can use the gaping hole in the floor where the stools used to be if they have good aim."

"I'm a girl."

"Yeah, so you should probably use the Port-a-Johns out on the lawn."

"This is outrageous!"

"Yeah, I know. It's like where does all that money for tuition go? But one thing I'm really glad about is that safety is number one here. I mean, the instant that recall notice arrived all the pots were yanked and now we're just waiting on a special delivery from the Home Depot to get us up and running again."

Today is senseless day.

Report: Day 49

2004-04-21T08:53:00.004-05:00

Selected first impressions.

Today I'm making people notice me.

Report: Day 48

2004-04-20T10:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was at the laundromat scrubbin' the duds, you see. After the washers had finished their cycles, I loaded my clothes into the little wheelie cart and moved over to the dryer section. All the dryers were full and more than half of them were no longer spinning. I knew instantly what I had to do.

I waited quietly in a chair near the door. I picked up a Highlights magazine and flipped through it aimlessly as I waited for the offender to return for his or her dried clothes. Nearly 45 minutes later, a tiny Asian woman (tiny but not a midget) limped in relying heavily on her cane as she struggled to the back of the laundromat. She opened a dryer and began retrieving her belongings.

"Hold it right there, mother fucker! Freeze!" I yelled.

The woman slowly turned to look at me, an expression of surprise and fear plainly across her features.

"Are these your dry clothes?" I demanded.

"Yes."

"Do you know how long these clothes have been dry?"

"No."

"Do you see that wheelie cart over there full of wet clothes?"

"Yes."

"Did you know that if you'd come to collect your shit as the machine finished its cycle that mound of wet clothes may already be dry?"

"What is this?"

"Ma'am, I'm afraid that I have no choice. I'm placing you under citizen's arrest for extreme disregard for your fellow laundromat patrons. I have contacted the appropriate authorities and they're on their way. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you not to leave the laundromat until they arrive to straighten this out. Do you understand what I'm demanding of you?"

"You can have the dryer now!" she pleaded.

"Oh, we're so far beyond that. You're in a world of shit now, baby."

"Please," she begged, "please, don't do this."

I considered her for a few moments and then I said, "well, I guess we might be able to make some kind of deal."

"Ok," she said. She already looked relieved.

"I'll call the laundromat authorities and advise them the situation is under control and they need not come to collect you if you give me two dryer sheets. I forgot mine. Oh, and you have to pick up the pace here. I need to get my clothes dry."

She considered the deal and apparently deciding it was in her best interest, she handed me two dryer sheets and emptied the dryer as quickly as her arthritic fingers would permit.

She didn't even bother to fold her clothes, she just took off.

I probably won't be able to use that laundromat again. Not after I shook a senior citizen down for dryer sheets. Some things you just can't come back from.

Today is a day of first impressions.

Report: Day 47

2004-04-19T11:40:00.000-05:00

Last night at bedtime I counted 3,500 sheep before I stopped counting sheep and relaxed enough to fall asleep. That sheep thing does not work.

Today I must make a citizens arrest.

Report: Day 46

2004-04-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

On Birthday Day I sent out birthday cards with crisp one dollar bills inside to 15 family members. I did this at a time when I knew they were not celebrating birthdays. I have a cousin whose birthday is very near. I did not send her a card, but will do so in 6 months time.

Today is counting sheep day.

Report: Day 45

2004-04-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

For romance day I was supposed to come up with a compliment that had never been given before.

Following is my compliment:

Even your goiter gets me hot.

Today is Birthday Day.

Report: Day 44

2004-04-16T11:03:00.000-05:00

Today was defy superstition day. I gave myself an extra five minutes to get to the bus this morning so that I would have plenty of time to step on every crack along the way. Yes, I generated a few odd looks, but it's worth it if my life is completely transformed radical style, right? I looked like Jack Nicholson in that movie with Helen Hunt. You know the one.

At the law school, there are a great number of very high ceilings. This requires the maintenance people to have on hand at all times a very tall ladder. I hit the door and instantly began searching for it. It was my hope that a lightbulb would be out or something and I'd hit upon somebody changing it out and then I could walk under the ladder. I searched high and low, but I did not hit upon the ladder. I thought briefly about damaging a lightbulb and calling maintenance, but then I decided against it.

When I got home, I went across the hall and knocked on the lesbians door. They have a black cat. "Hello, J------. How are you? Listen can I cross the path of your cat?"

"What?"

"Just do me a favor and get your cat and put her out her and I'll, you know, try and cross her path."

"Why?"

"I'm defying superstition."

"What?"

"Is the cat at home?"

"You're a very strange neighbor."

Today is romance day.

Report: Day 43

2004-04-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

I've been keeping a diary for years. Yesterday I updated it.

You can read my diary entry here.

Today I will be defying superstition.

Report: Day 42

2004-04-14T08:37:00.000-05:00

I believe that Benrick presupposed a sunny day when this task was introduced. However, the weather here has been anything but sunny. It has rained more or less constantly for two days now. It's springtime after all. We're supposed to have a good dousing. It is the way.

I checked the forecasts and it quickly became appearant that the rain was not going to let up so took off my shirt (gratefully acknowledging my foresight with regard to the undershirt), I peeled off my shoes and socks and rolled up my pants. Then I marched right past the other librarians and outside where I crossed the street and climbed the stairs to the Norman Samuels Plaza a large grassy area on campus. I stood there for a moment digging my toes into the wet grass. I brushed my stringy wet hair out of my face and experienced the grass on my bare feet. Well, the mud and the grass.

I could see my breath and I was beginning to feel like this:

So, I pulled my feet out of the distinct foot prints I had created with a wet suction sound and I headed back to the law school. The janitorial staff silently, but visibly, cursed me as I tracked mud and rainwater through the lobby of the law school into the bathroom where I stole an entire roll of paper towels and then through the library to my office.

I gently tamped my brow dry and then tried to scrape some of the dirt off my feet with a paper towel. I finally resigned myself to being wet and dirty for the balance of the day so I wrestled my socks back on and sat at my desk, marinading in my own juices.

Today I will make a proper diary entry about my day. Just like Winston Churchill used to do.

Report: Day 41

2004-04-13T08:40:00.000-05:00

The following is a transcription of a letter I posted this morning.

Prime Minister Tony Blair
c/o the Prime Minister's Office
10 Downing Street
London SW1A 2AA
UNITED KINGDOM

April 12, 2004

Dear Prime Minister,

I am writing to you today in brief application for a knighthood. I am not a citizen of the U.K., but as I understand it knighthoods may still be granted to U.S. citizens, though we may not use the title "Sir." I am comfortable with this and believe the honor of being knighted would be enough for me. Though, I must admit that since I cannot use the title I will probably wear an eight by ten photograph of the event around my neck at all times following the ceremony. But don't hold me to that because I'm still working out how best to publicize my getting knighted.

Anyways, I believe I have earned this honor because I totally rock. Just ask anybody who knows me. They all think I rock the Kasbah, if you know what I'm saying. And in exchange for a knighthood, I'm willing to use my coolness, my rock-on-itude, my swooper-fly-ity to benefit you in anyway I can. I'll help you prepare for Prime Minister's Questions by running you through a few toughies, or I could help you with the vetting of those intelligence reports, or I could babysit. Whatever, man. What I'm trying to say is that I'm there for you. I got your back.

So think it over and get back to me. But don't take too long, the Queen's birthday is coming right up and I'd like to get this taken care of this year. I'm sure you understand. Having something like this hanging over your head is a real drag.

Ok, well, I gotta jet.

Reverently,
Brian Blaho

Today I'm supposed to walk on the grass barefoot.

Report: Day 40

2004-04-12T08:30:00.000-05:00

Bad luck that play a practical joke would fall on the weekend. Even worse that it would fall on Easter Sunday. I live by myself, so the interaction required for this particular challenge must be found outside my home and with it being a holiday... well, you see the dilemma. Additionally I live in a county with honest to God blue laws. This means that most stores are forbidden by law from operating on Sunday. Exceptions are pharmacies and grocery stores.

I started looking around locally for an establishment that was open on Easter Sunday which would facilitate a practical joke. And that's when it occurred to me that bars were open on Sunday, maybe even Easter Sunday, and as luck would have it there is a biker bar three blocks from my home.

So, I called them up. "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" I asked innocently.

"What are you talking about?" replied the bar matron. The sounds of moving beer bottles and washing glasses could be heard in the background.

"Prince Albert in a can. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I hung up, satisfied that they were open.

At roughly dinner time I headed out wearing dirty clothes and trying to look rough around the edges. You know, to fit in. I ordered a drink and took a seat in an obscured corner. I watched the ebb and flow of the patronage and tried to get a handle on the place. After about an hour I felt comfortable enough to make my move. I crept up to what I determined to be the most used bar stool in the place. I pulled it out, and as surreptitiously as I could I placed a whoopee cushion on the seat and slid the bar stool back into place. Then I retook my seat in the back to watch the hilarity unfold.

I had visions of an enormous biker making time with his skanky biker chick. He would pull the stool out for her, grab her around the waist and hoist her into the stool, where she would land on the whoopee cushion and make the most horrible wet farting sounds ever! Then he would be so shaken by the horrible noise coming from his lovely lady that he would turn all red and have to leave. He would run out of the biker bar holding his nose and only then would she investigate the cause of the noise, discover the whoopee cushion and run out of the biker bar after him, trying desperately to explain what had happened! This was gonna be better than a plate full of fake dog crap.

Well, it didn't take long before someone headed straight for my rigged stool. He pulled it out and then something caught his eye. It was the whoopee cushion. He picked it up and held it high yelling, "what the fuck is this? Is this a goddamn whoopee cushion? What the fuck is this!?"

He tossed it in the garbage and took his seat. I finished my beer and slunk out.

Today I'm applying for a knighthood.

Report: Day 39

2004-04-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

Swedish is a very difficult language to learn, especially if you only have one day. So I decided to zero in on key phrases and words. Following is a list of Swedish vocabulary I incorporated into my conversations yesterday.

midget - dvärgliknande person
monkey - apa
masturbate - onanera
gum - tuggumi
weapons of mass destruction - massa förstörelse vapens

I was most amused to learn that a penis is a manslem in swedish. Why yes. Yes that it is my manslem.

Today I must play a practical joke.

Report: Day 38

2004-04-10T06:26:00.000-05:00

By a remarkable happenstance, spend some time in church day fell right on Good Friday.

I am not terribly religious, but The One True Love of my Life is. I asked her if I could go with her to mass at lunch time and she happily agreed. She looked over the top of her glasses, stuck out her finger, and said "If you late, I go without you."

I considered myself warned.

Travel Photography

I presented myself 10 minutes early. "I'm here," I said. "I'm not only on time, I'm early."

The One True Love of my Life looked at me like I was a lunatic. "What you talk about? You Early!"

She is a writhing mass of contradictions. So very alluring.

On Good Friday you get to do the stations of the cross. Did you know? I didn't. We followed the priest around the sanctuary as he read to us about all fourteen. "And lo they spake unto themselves saying, I wish I'd stretched before coming unto the various stations of the cross because all this kneeling is working my thighs thusly."

After our workout we returned to our seats for the Lord's Prayer. I was sitting alongside the One True Love of my Life, naturally. The following was overheard.

"Our Lord Hav-fen. Hay-lo name. Kingshon come. Win done earth shone hay-ven. Gish us bread. Frogish us trays-passes for temptation."

I only giggled a little and never when the priest was looking at me.

Today is learn to speak Swedish day.

Report: Day 37

2004-04-09T08:21:00.000-05:00

My official Benrick task was to go to a restaurant, order food, and then ditch the bill. This is illegal. Technically it is called stealing. I was not at all comfortable stealing from a local small business person. However, as I have committed to this total transformation "radical style" I needed to find a way to live up to the Benrick task anyway. So I decided that while stealing from a restaurant was wrong, stealing from my friends and co-workers would be fun.

Here was my master plan. Two days ahead of time I invited a co-worker to lunch. I intended to go with him to a restaurant, order lunch as I ordinarily would, and near the end of the meal excuse myself to the bathroom and simply never come back, essentially sticking him with the bill. Sounds hilarious, no? I figured, I'd take him out to lunch for real next week and make it up to him and we'd all laugh about that time he was just waiting for me to return, but I never did.

Aha-ha-haa!

I had everything in place until another co-worker, hip to my Benrick scheme, filled him in. I received the following phone call in my office at about 11:30

"This is Brian."

"Did you--um--hey. Why did you invite me to lunch today?"

"Well, we don't really know each other that well and whatever. I just thought we should have lunch."

"Because, R---- told me that you were Benricking me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She said that you were going to stick me with the bill."

"Oh. Well, yeah, that was the plan."

"I don't think I can have lunch with you today."

"No, it was to facilitate my total transformation 'radical style.' I wasn't trying to be evil. I was trying to be hilarious."

"Well, I think that stinks."

So my lunch plans were completely shot. I started to scramble. I hastily called a number of friends who were unaware of my day's task and asked them to dinner, but to a person they all had other plans or obligations. It was simply too short notice. I began to despair.

But then I got a call from Bevin because she knew that I had this master plan to screw over a co-worker at lunch time and she didn't want to wait for this blog entry to find out how it went. "I have no plans tonight," she said subtly.

I decided to take a risk. "Bevin, do you want to have dinner with me later?"

"Why yes, Brian," she replied. "What a splendid idea."

So Bevin and I went to dinner and at the end of the meal, I ditched her with the bill just as I'd planned. It wasn't as effective as ditching someone who didn't know my intention, but because of Bevin's marvelous play acting it was still in line with the Benrick directive. I'll leave it to her to tell you what happened in the restaurant after I left. Pester her to write about it, she was completely invested.

Today is spend some time in church day.

Report: Day 36

2004-04-08T06:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, a seven hour shift on the reference desk made this absolutely impossible. In order to make a "radical style" transformation I must be able to fund said transformation. Therefore, I need to keep my job and in order to do so I must speak to people who ask me questions. But as I said when I took up this challenge "radical style," I believe I can live up to the spirit of anything Benrick places before me even when it is not possible for me to live up to the literal directive.

So I made the following alterations to say nothing day. First, I changed it to say nothing that is not essential day. This meant no small talk, no chitter chatter, no gossip, but it still permitted me to respond to questions and interact with the patrons and my superiors. Second, I changed it to say nothing that is not essential for the duration of my work day. Which means from the time I arrived 'til the time I left I Benricked. After that, the Benricking was done.

This was very difficult as I love the sound of my own voice. The dulcet tones of my voice are very soothing and pleasing to me. Sometimes, I talk just to hear what I might say and even if I'm saying nothing, I still feel stimulated, relaxed, and focused when I hear me. I believe, further, that even if other listeners are unaware of the benefits of hearing my voice, they still receive them, so I make every effort to ensure that everyone who comes in contact with me hears me. It's a public service in my view. A way in which I give back. One of many.

This challenge was made all the more difficult by the unexpected appearance at the reference desk of a former co-worker. We'll call him "B. Strawes Manservant" for my protection. B. Strawes has never once spoken a word to me. Never once. But he arrived here early for a meeting on campus looking very dapper in his tweed and walked straight up to my desk and attempted to make small talk. On the one day when I'm not a small talker. What are the odds?

I really feel like I missed out on an opportunity with B. Strawes. I always wondered what was going on with him when he would chit chat with a soda can. He remains a mystery for me to solve.

In the mean time I post for you the text of an email that was circulated around the library yesterday.

Is anyone interested in going to Yasmeen's for lunch today around noon? K---- and I are going, and I spoke to S------ and she can't make it. Brian is at reference at that time but he's taken a Benrick induced vow of semi-silence today- so I'm not sure if he'd want to go today anyway.

I feel like they're starting to really get to know me.

Today is eat and run day.

Report: Day 35

2004-04-07T08:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was really a great deal of fun. I spent the day speaking in short declaritives. Staple this. Move over. Straighten that up. Push in your chair. Use a napkin. You get the idea.

I started right off the bus on my way in to work. "Hold my hand as we cross the street," I demanded of a very startled woman who happened to be crossing in the same direction I was. I thrust my hand out toward her and looked at her impatiently.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I told you to hold my hand as we cross the street. And be sure you look both ways."

I wiggled my hand a little and groaned. She considered me carefully, this was Newark after all. Then she took my hand and, after carefully looking in both directions, guided me across the street. At that point any doubt about being able to pull this off completely evaporated.

I assigned a task to most everyone I saw yesterday. Most were reasonable, few were terribly demanding. I considered calling co-workers into my office to give them faxing or copying chores, but I decided to draw the line at treating the world like my secretary.

Some tasks were a little more unorthadox than others. At lunch time I stood outside the law school and barked the command, "run!" at a passing law student. I suppose my tone was particularly authoritarian as he immediatly complied and ran several steps before stopping, turning to glare at me, and finally composing himself.

It goes without saying that on a day like Give Little Tasks to Everyone Around You Day I would Benrick with The One True Love of My Life. I waited until late in the day, 3:00 p.m. or so. I walked up to her desk and said, "Stand up."

She immediately complied, smiling broadly and saying, "What you want?"

"Turn around," I said. She complied. "The other way now. Again. Put your hands over your head and do it again. Spin, baby, spin!"

"What is going on here?" asked a co-worker who was understandably confused by the One True Love of My Life spinning haplessly and in a less and less graceful manner.

"Don't ask questions," I demanded. No further questions were asked.

I turned my attention back to the One True Love of My Life saying, "Thank you. That's enough. Retake your seat now."

She sat down and swayed gently from the dizziness. She giggled helplessly, like a child after a carnival ride.

Other tasks were purely selfish. "Give me some gum," I demanded of a law student.

"I don't have any gum," she said.

"I really like gum. Your failure to comply with a simple task like 'give me some gum' is very disappointing."

She thought about it for a second and finally said, "I'll see if I can find some gum." About two hours later she reappeared with a stick of Juicy Fruit which she laid gently on the reference desk. I nodded in approval and she disappeared back into the stacks.

Today, God help me, is say nothing day.

Report: Day 34

2004-04-06T11:32:00.000-05:00

The following is a trascription of a letter I posted to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra of Thailand this morning.

Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra
Office of the Prime Minister
Government House
Pitsanulok Road, Dusit
Bangkok 10300
Thailand

April 5, 2004

Dear Prime Minister,

While acknowledging the seriousness of Thailand's drugs problem, and your government's need to combat drug crime, I write to urge that in doing so you do not violate human rights.

Amnesty International in association with the Soonerverse is concerned that no independent, thorough and impartial investigation has taken place into the killing of more than 1,000 people in the context of the "war on drugs" in 2003, and into allegations of security forces' involvement in a number of cases. I urge that your government ensure that such an investigation is opened, that the method and findings are made public; that any government official suspected of involvement in extrajudicial killing is brought to justice, and that relatives of the deceased are provided with reparation, including compensation.

I am also concerned by reports that hundreds of persons convicted of drug offences have been sentenced to death, and urge that you abolish the death penalty in law. Pending its abolition, I urge that you impose an immediate moratorium on executions. Amnesty International and the Soonerverse are in lock step when it comes to opposition to the death penalty in all circumstances as a violation of the right to life and the ultimate cruel, inhuman and degrading punishment. It is, moreover, an irreversible punishment that carries the grave risk of judicial error.

But if, Prime Minister, you are unable to comply with these simple and straight forward requests, I urge you to appoint me custodian of any high quality drugs seized in your "war on drugs" as I sometimes dream about just running my fingers through a bucket of loose Valium like Amelie with the whole grains at the market in that movie. I understand you do receive foreign films in Thailand, so you know exactly what I'm talking about, Prime Minister. Stop with the pretending; it's just sad. You know just the scene. Anyway, I would do a bang up job for you, so keep me in mind if you decide to further ignore the human rights of your citizens.

Love to the wife,
Brian Blaho

Today I'm supposed to give little tasks to everyone I come in contact with.

Report: Day 33

2004-04-05T08:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was to be aware of the paranormal. Benrick specifically stated that I was to be aware of unexplained smells. Let me just say that I live in New Jersey, and if unexplained smells are attributable to the paranormal then I live in the epicenter of a shit-storm of creepy crap. I spent the morning sniffing the air like a hound on the hunt. I was completely inundated by unexplained smells and probing into each of them seemed like such a daunting task that I quickly gave up.

But as luck would have it, I share my apartment with a ghost. A ghost I have named Intraferon the Mighty! Intraferon the Mighty manifests himself by turning a floor lamp on and off in my living room. We live quite well together. I prefer reading in bed, so while the light in the living room is nice, it is not, strictly speaking, a necessity. I do not try to exorcise him or interfere with his light switch fetish, and he leaves my other appliances alone. It's a commonality, you see. A harmony.

Well, anyway, I decided that I would attempt to make contact with Intraferon the Mighty last night so I pulled the floor lamp out into the middle of the floor and I lit some incense and a candle too. And then I assumed the lotus position and closed my eyes and started thinking about Intraferon the Mighty and all his might and whatnot. Pretty soon, the kitties started going crazy, well crazier than normal, and I started to feel like maybe Intraferon the Mighty was present.

"Intraferon the Mighty," I said, "Make yourself known to me. Manifest through an unexplained smell!"

But there were no smells. In fact, with all the flying cutlery and spinning sofas and flashing lights I barely had time to register any smells at all. Perhaps next time Intraferon the Mighty will be more accommodating.

Today I am supposed to write a letter to a dictator asking him to "stop the torture."

Report: Day 32

2004-04-04T19:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's challenge was very specific. I was supposed to spend the whole day thinking about airplanes, hedgehogs and (I swear I'm not making this up) midgets in an effort to put these items so deeply in my subconscious that I had dreams about them. What Benrick doesn't know is that controlling my dreams is really no problem. Oh, gentle reader. I'm a lucid dreamer.

What does that mean? It means that I am ordinarily aware of my dreams and when they start going in directions I don't like I can control them. As a child I was plagued by nightmares, but a school counselor taught me to control them by reminding me that my dreams are just that. They're mine. And the instant something scary starts to happen, she told me, I can tell that dream to change. That very night I tried it and it worked and I've been doing it ever since.

I felt pretty confident about today's Benrick. However, confidence does not always lead to success, so I enlisted the assistance of LoRo, Peth, and The Admiral. We had a hang and I requested that throughout the evening the conversation revolve around airplanes, hedgehogs, and midgets. Everyone was very accommodating.

"What do hedgehogs eat?" asked LoRo.

"They have those snouts," said The Admiral. "You know, they have those snouts like that. I bet they eat bugs and other pests. And also I heard that in England they just come right into your house from the garden. They just come right in."

"That's right! I heard that too," said LoRo.

"I think we should get coffee to go and then go watch some mile high midget porn and hedgehog exploitation films," said Peth. "I have a couple at home. They're Flame's, but I bet he'll let us watch."

"You know," I added, "as a midget myself I often dream of other midgets. And sometimes when I dream of people I know they are midgets like me. So maybe tonight I will dream of a Midget Admiral and a Midget LoRo. But never a Midget Peth because that would just be too weird." Everyone nodded their heads in agreement. "Too weird."

Last night neither airplanes, nor hedgehogs, nor midgets appeared in my dreams outside of my direct influence, but all made appearances throughout the night.

Today I am supposed to be on the lookout for the paranormal.

Report: Day 31

2004-04-03T11:41:00.000-05:00

Nauru is the world's smallest independent republic with a total area of 21 square kilometers which is about 0.1 times the area of the city of Washington D.C. Nauru is an island composed almost entirely of bird poop which meant that it was very rich in phosphates, however the phosphate mines have been almost entirely exhausted which is threatening to leave the island destitute. Additionally, it is entirely conceivable that in the very near future, Nauru will cease to exist as the area of the island is being consumed by sea, which is rising a few inches per year in response to the melting polar ice caps.

Now, my Benrick assignment is to write a postcard to the President of Nauru, who Benrick sites as "Bernard Dowiyogi." I am supposed to advise Dowiyogi that even though his nation is often overlooked, I am remembering Nauru today! However, my research indicates that Bernard Dowiyogi has never been president of Nauru, while a Bernard Dowiyogo, who looks suspiciously like the photograph in Benrick, was President intermittently from 1976 to 2003. Dowiyogo died in office in October 2003 and to give you an idea about how contentious politics are on Nauru, there have been three presidents since. It will do me no good to write to a former head of state who is dead, so I have altered the task slightly to account for current events.

I transcribe for you here a copy of the letter I posted this morning to the current President of Nauru, Rene Harris.

President Rene Harris
C/O Ministry of Works
Yaren District
NAURU-CENTRAL PACIFIC

April 2, 2004

Dear Mr. President,

Hello, and greetings from the United States of America! I am writing you today in an expression of friendship and support. I note from recent news items that Nauru is facing tough economic times and that's something I know a little bit about as I have been a victim of the Hateful Bush Economy TM in my own country. I hope you get everything straightened out without having to cede any administrative control to Australia. I am rooting for you and I am rooting for Nauru!

It was my hope to include in my letter a sentence or two in Nauruan. You know, out of respect for global diversity and all. But I have been unable to locate any aids in translation between English and Nauruan. I suspect, given the fact that Nauruan is a language distinct to the smallest independent republic in the world, that there is simply very little demand for translation services. Yet, here in America we have something called the World Wide Web which has a great number of resources like Babelfish which (admittedly gracelessly) translates small portions of text back and forth between various languages. You know, like between French and German, or English and Japanese, or Swedish and Italian. Like that.

Now, I knew I wouldn't be able to just walk down to the local community college and be all "doo doo doo. Please enroll me in Nauruan 101 and show me the way to the bookstore so I can get an English/Nauruan dictionary!" But still I thought it would be easier than it is. So, maybe, as president of Nauru you could sponsor some kind of "Get Nauruan on Babelfish!" campaign. You could raise money and awareness through bake sales and whatnot. Just something to think about if you have the world wide web in Nauru. I don't know how world wide it actually is.

In the mean time will you please tell me the Nauruan word for "midget?" I know you're busy trying to keep your country's economy afloat, so just when ever you get a chance. Or maybe you could have an aide do it. I wouldn't mind if it gets delegated. The best leaders know how to delegate, at least that's what they say. I've never led my own nation, though some day if I work very hard I might be able to. Keep your fingers crossed for my eventual rise to power.

Anyway, I'd better scoot. Write me back.

Thinking Happy Thoughts About Nauru,
Brian Blaho

Tonight I will attempt to control my dreams.

Report: Day 30

2004-04-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

Today is Nauru Awareness Day.

Report: Day 29

2004-04-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was supposed to dial a phone number at random and read as much of a very long prepared script as possible in a deep southern accent. The script was about Jesus, but when I read it I couldn't help but notice that it didn't say anything about Jesus, it just sort of rambled about him. Here is a sample excerpt.

But sad to say, even though he had done so many miracles, Scripture says, yet when it came right down to is, they didn't believe in him. It's amazing that even his own disciples forsook him -- excpet Mary Magdalene. She stays with him to the end, didn't she? Last to leave The Cross, first to come to the sepulchre. Now, we need to sit here, and we need to ask the question, "how come the men of that generation didn't believe in Christ?"

I decided that I was unhappy with the random aspect of this task and I decided that I absolutely must dial The One True Love of my Life and Benrick with her. (Benrick is my new favorite verb.) So I waited until she was at her desk and relatively unencombered with official working tasks and I dialed her from across the room at the reference desk. "You know, without Christ-uh" I said, "Without Jesus-uh, we have no hope-uh." It was my best televangelist.

"Why?" I continued. "Well-uh, because we know that the standard of God's righteousness is Law, a law ofr th Ten-uh Commandments, a law of statutes-uh and judgement. And which God-uh gave unto Moses on Mount Sanai-uh, saying this is my righteousness, O Israel. But you know, God-uh also gave another law. A law revolving around a system of shedding a poor and innocent-uh lamb's blood-uh..."

Do you know she sat still and paid attention for the entire speach? I read the whole thing to her and fifteen minutes later when I was finally done, and an audience had formed around me at the reference desk, The One True Love of my Life said, "Brian, come over to here. I give you grape. I have the grape for you."

I think I really made a difference in her life.

I am ignoring today.

Report: Day 28

2004-03-31T11:18:00.000-05:00

My last meal was a rousing success. I invited Bevin over to share it with me because let's be honest, my last meal would be a dinner party, death row or not. Bevin arrived dressed in orange to simulate the garb of fellow prisoners and enhance the prison theme of the evening. "I will be the prisoner you sometimes chat with on death row who you have never seen except through my reflection in the polished underside of your dented tin cup!" she explained. She was also wearing a button shaped like New Jersey with a little flashing light where Camden was located. "They have a prison there. In Camden," she explained. The flashing light certainly added a little glamour to the event.

On the menu at my final meal was a wilted spinach salad with goat cheese and mango topped with chicken scampi. Ordinarily it would have been shrimp scampi, but I had a guest who was alergic to shell fish so adjustments were made. To accompany, mineral water and a Domaine Carneros Le Reve Sparkling Wine, vintage 2001, was served. Dessert was a creme brulee made with Splenda as Bevin is currently on a low carb plan. Mine was topped the traditional way with carmalized sugar creating a delightful crunch, hers was topped with a bit of melted low carb chocolate which she agreed made a suitable substitute, though we did do an experiment in which we attempted to carmalize Splenda. In case you are wondering, Splenda does not carmalize, but it does catch fire and turn to ash.

Today I'm supposed to save a stranger's soul from eternal damnation Benrick style.