Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Report: Day 159 

Well, with the help of my attorney, I totally defeated the man last night in traffic court. So under the principle that a dollar saved is a dollar earned, my dividends were well over the 900% goal of the Benrick challenge.

Today I am avoiding mirrors so that I may focus on my inner beauty.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Report: Day 158 

The greatest thing about setting out to break one of the ten commandments is that you get to do something really fun because God totally forbade all the best stuff. For those of you who didn't spend as much time in Sunday School as I did, here are my choices straight from Exodus 20.

And God spake all these words, saying, "I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

(1) Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

(2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

(3) Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

(4) Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

(5) Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

(6) Thou shalt not kill.

(7) Thou shalt not commit adultery.

(8) Thou shalt not steal.

(9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

(10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

My first inclination was to walk around all day coveting. "I sure do like this gumball machine and wish it was mine," but how tedious would that have been. So instead I went to the five and dime and bought a bunch of Play Dough and when I got home I totally made a graven image of God. Because reread that number 2 one. I'm all about tempting fate for generations to come.

So my sculpture of God is made of red and blue Play Dough, some macaroni, some uncooked jasmine rice, and three medium sized binder clips. It rests on a piece of wax paper and I intend to pray to it when I need a little magical help with my problems.

As an aside, does anyone know of a way to set Play Dough so that it hardens?

Today I will turn $10 into $100.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Report: Day 157 

Yesterday I lived my life as if I were playing chess. At first I moved across the floor as if it were a chess board, but I quickly disabused myself of the idea that I could keep that up all day. So instead I attempted to think three steps ahead of everyone all day long. You may have been thinking about breakfast, but I was already onto lunch. You may have been deciding which umbrella to carry, but I was already wringing out my socks. Like that. You get the idea.

Today I am breaking one of the ten commandments.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Report: Day 151 

Benrik said I should go to my closest natural history museum and check on my favorite dinosaur to see if it was being well represented. However, the Museum of Natural History in New York closes on weekdays at about the same time I get off work. So I had to improvise. I thought maybe I could find my favorite dinosaur on some sort of virtual exhibit, but I found no mention of my favorite, the Terydactyl.

Well, what I didn't know was that the terydactyl was not a dinosaur at all. In fact it was flying lizard. And flying lizards don't count for Benricking. So I went to my next favorite dinosaur, the triceratops. And while I did not find a virtual exhibit, I did learn that triceratops means "three horned face" and that the horns were probably used both for defense and for males to attack each other to impress the lady triceratopses.

Today I will leave a message to the future.

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