Saturday, May 15, 2004

Report: Day 66 

Yesterday I did not flush. As Peth has sometimes said, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."

My water conservation also included a morning sponge bath, instead of a shower, and the use of that alcohol based sanitizing gel instead of soap and water to wash my hands throughout the day.

Every little bit makes a difference.

Today I will undergo a one day detox.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Report: Day 65 

by: Frank O'Hara

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collappsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up

From Frank O'Hara's collection of poems, Lunch Poems, published in 1964.

That was by heart.

Today I will conserve water.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Report: Day 64 

Yesterday I was supposed to mail a photo of myself and a five dollar bill to a stranger at random with no return address and see what happens. I suspect nothing will happen given the fact that I've provided no real information about how to get in contact with me. Nonetheless, Ms. Susan Williams at 204 W. 350th N., Blackfoot, Idaho, 83221 will benefit from a random fiver in the mail and a charming photo of me and a friend taken at a jazz club in Philly.

Today I will be learning a poem by heart.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Report: Day 63 

The following is a transcription of a letter I posted this morning.

May 11, 2004

CRM Department
Guinness World Records Ltd
8th Floor
338 Euston Rd
London NW1 3BD

Dear Records Keepers:

Thank you for the fine work you have done over the years keeping track of folks with freakishly long fingernails and nose hair that requires styling products. I know of no other resource like yours and I can't tell you how many times I've balanced 7 or 8 glasses on my chin and wondered whether that was the record only to consult your publication and find out I was off by about 70! Aha-ha-haa!

It is no secret among my friends that I have been absolutely obsessed with finding my way into your book for some time, a comment I'm sure you hear with some regularity. This obsession, combined with my complete transformation "radical style" according to the principles of Benrick, have finally brought me, hat in hand, to your door. I believe I am the current holder of a world record and would very much appreciate your feed back in regard to how this can be certified and validated to your satisfaction.

You see, I am the world's tallest midget. At 5'9" I come in well above my fellow little people and it is this freakish defect which has permitted me to blend as seamlessly as I have into the average world.

Of course, this record depends a great deal on how you define the parameters of midgetism. If you are narrow minded you may define midgetism solely on physicality, thus disqualifying me from the recognition I deserve as a world record holder. However, if you define midgetism more broadly, as I have, you can easily come to the same conclusion I reached, namely that midgetism is a state of mind. And once you start thinking like a midget, you are a midget whether you have to duck under door frames or can hide easily under the divan.

I thank you again for the unique service you provide to the world and for considering this record breaking request.

Insert Superlative Here,
Brian Blaho

Today I am sending a photo of myself and a five dollar bill to a stranger with no explanation.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Report: Day 62 

My apologies for the brief interruption. I hope this hasn't queered my life changing potential.

Anyway, last Monday was circle day. I started the day with a big stick of sidewalk chalk and a length of yellow rope tied in a loop in my pocket. Both would prove essential. I altered Benrick's instructions just slightly in that I only used circles when I actually stopped moving. I only drew circles when I was outside. When inside I used the rope in my pocket to form a circle for me to stand in when I was still.

This was very difficult to do in that it involved a great deal of awareness of my physical location and movement from place to place. As most of my Monday was spent inside I had to remember to take my rope with me when I moved about and I had to be careful not to step out of the circle when I was relatively stationary. I found myself limiting my movement more than I though I would for sheer economy.

I didn't really like that day.

Today I will attempt to break a world record.

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