Saturday, May 29, 2004

Report: Day 80 

Oh, friends. This one was a challenge. Benrick wanted me to begin filing down a wooden piece of furniture and sprinkle a little of it on my food for the next 20 years. I am committed to a radical style change, but I am not a lunitic. A splinter in the soft lining of my esophogas? That would put a radical style medical procedure in my future. So I improvised.

I started with polenta which I shaped into a rectangle. Then I put a little garlic and oil over it. I grilled it to cook it through and help it keep its shape. Then I wrapped it in a sheet of pasta and placed it on a plate. I put a little pesto on the sheet and then I put a second sheet on, being careful to fold down the top just so. I finished it with two raviolis which I used as pillows. Then I floated my polenta bed in a red sauce and sprinkled on some parmesean cheese.

It was delicious.

Today I will celebrate nature.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Report: Day 79 

Here is a sample of what I learned about yesterday. I'm truly an expert.

Weather in Zambia: At 2p.m. EDT the weather conditions at Lusaka International Airport, Zambia were as follows:

Wind from the ESE (110 degrees) at 6 MPH (5 KT)
Visibility greater than 7 mile(s)
Temperature 62 F (17 C)
Dew Point 60 F (16 C)
Relative Humidity 93%
Pressure (altimeter) 30.30 in. Hg (1026 hPa)

Number of wars in progress: According to the latest available figures, there are 218 political conflicts in progress. 14 of these are wars and 21 are serious crises: a total of 35 conflicts carried out with a massive amount of violence. 45 conflicts are levelled as crises, meaning violence is used only occasionally. In contrast, there are 138 non-violent conflicts, that can be broken down into 63 manifest and 75 latent conflicts.

World population: 6,430,921,222

Result of main sporting event: French Open Women's Singles Results for Round 1

Serena Williams (2) def. Maria Kirilenko 4-6, 6-2, 6-4
Venus Williams (4) def. Jelena Kostanic 6-3, 6-3
Anastasia Myskina (6) def. Barbora Strycova 6-0, 6-4
Jennifer Capriati (7) def. Kveta Peschke 7-5, 6-3
Svetlana Kuznetsova (11) def. Barbara Rittner 6-1, 6-4
Virginia Ruano Pascual def. Ai Sugiyama (12) 6-7 (4-7), 6-2, 6-1
Shinobu Asagoe def. Patty Schnyder (16) 7-5, 3-6, 6-4
Francesca Schiavone (17) def. Virginie Razzano 6-1, 4-6, 6-3
Gisela Dulko def. Conchita Martinez (20) 6-4, 7-5
Fabiola Zuluaga (23) def. Elena Likhovtseva 7-5, 5-7, 6-1
Elena Bovina (25) def. Anna-Lena Groenefeld 3-2, retired
Denisa Chladkova def. Petra Mandula (29) 6-2, 6-3
Mary Pierce (30) def. Gala Leon Garcia 6-1, 6-1
Myriam Casanova def. Maria Vento-Kabchi 6-4, 2-6, 6-3
Katarina Srebotnik def. Shenay Perry 6-4, 6-3
Silvija Talaja def. Stephanie Foretz 2-6, 7-6 (10-8), 6-2

First topic on Jerry Springer: Today's topic was Vicious Vamps.

Middle East oil reserves: 479.33 billion barrels

Number of astronauts in space: There are three astronauts currently residing in the international space station on this date. Mike Fincke, Gennady Padalka, André Kuipers.

Lottery results in Colorado: The Colorado Cash 5 results are as follows.

1- 7- 11- 12- 14.

Percentage of faked orgasms: Well, according to jeanlouie.com "The probability that the sheet-grabbing, eye-propping, wall-banging, nail-digging, earth-shaking orgasm your female partner reached last time was a fake production is around 70%, by all accounts and surveys. It may be higher than that." I take no credit for that figure.

Moon-Earth distance at midday: 384,467km

Horoscope of Leos with Scorpio ascendants: "If you haven't lived up to your expectations, look into what it will take to do so. Do not give up when all that's required is a little extra push. This is not the day to sell yourself short."

Number of birthdays worldwide: 17,606,903

Today I will eat a piece of furniture.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Report: Day 78 

Benrick has provided a politically correct checklist. I am delighted to announce that my circle of friends is completely politically correct. Here is the proof.

* Caucasian - my friend Sean
* Hispanic/Latino - my friend LoRo
* Japanese - my friend Wee
* Chinese - my friend Addie
* African/African American - my friend Bevin
* Native American - my friend Peth
* Pacific Islander - my friend The One True Love of my Life
* Indian/Pakistani - my friend, and Soonerverse graphic designer, Haywood
* Other Asian - my friend Col

So as you can see, I'm very well rounded and culturally aware.

Today I will become an expert on today.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Report: Day 77 

What fun designing my own logo has been! What do you think? I have a future, right?

Yeah, I know. That's why I enlisted the assistance of Haywood who is a professional graphic designer by day and a sex goddess by cover of night.

Isn't it fantastic? I'm having stationary made.

Thank you, Haywood! You're a marvel.

Today I will determine exactly how politically correct my circle of friends really is.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Report: Day 76 

No, I did not wear mandles. No, I did not buy shoes that were too small, I borrowed them. Yes, I had very hurty feet.

I do not recommend this day to you unless you are totally committed to changing your life radical style. Wearing shoes that are too small is uncomfortable and a little painful. I wore the thinnest socks in my drawer which was smart. And I had a foot bath ready to go when I got home.

Now I have a blister on my right heel. I wish I had someone to kiss it and make it better. And maybe give it a good lancing.

Today I am designing my own logo.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Report: Day 75 

Yesterday I contacted Ginos in Baton Rouge, Louisiana at (225) 927-7156 to reserve a table for 2 on July 4 at 8 p.m.


"Yes, hello, is this Gino's?"

"Yes, this is Gino's."

"Yes. Gino's. Good. I'd like to make a reservation for the fourth of July."

"Hold please."

Crazy accordian music plays.

"Uh, sir?"

"Yes, I'm still here. A reservation for two."

"Uh, sir, we're closed on the forth of July."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. We're closed."

"Because it's just that I heard you were open. I read it in a book."

"Well, we're not."

"Oh. Ok. Thanks."

Today I am wearing shoes one size too small.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Report: Day 74 

I think the problems in the Middle East are terrible.

I think Einstein will ultimately be vindicated.

I think people who pronounce bananas "nanners" are funny.

I think everyone should bathe regularly.

I think Dentine is from the devil.

I think the odds are against me.

I think invisible tape is mysterious.

I think Benricking is fun.

Today I will reserve a table at Gino's (Hey look! A prank call!)

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