Saturday, August 07, 2004

Report: Day 148 

I made up several of the following notes, adorned with my logo naturally, and distributed them liberally on windshields in downtown Newark. Cars that were mere steps from terror.

You’ve done a terrible job of parking.
Perhaps you should ride the bus to avoid highlighting your manual deficiencies.
C’mon. Give a bitch a break, ok?


I’ve left a body in your trunk.
I’ll be by to collect it later.
Be cool about this.


I’ve decided we no longer have to be enemies.
We’re going to be best friends.


I’ve seen you around here before, but I’m shy.
I think you’re dreamy.

A Secret Admirer

P.S. My tongue is pierced for your pleasure.

Today I will solve an intractable geopolitical crisis.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Report: Day 147 

By the end of the day I hadn't gotten around to attempting to change someone's mind, so with opportunities rapidly dissipating I wound up on my bus ride home needing desperately to Benrick.

I saw a likely candidate coming down the aisle. She looked haggerd and tired and her arms were full of heavy looking things. She went for a seat and I went for the Benrick.

"Um, ma'am? You don't want to sit there."

She considered me for a moment. "Why?"

"The cushion is lumpy. Besides, you have something of an obstructed view. That man is very tall and it's difficult to see through the windshield through him."


"Also, there were a couple of kids making out in that seat a few minutes ago. They just got off at the last stop. But not before they got off in that seat."

Changing her mind, she took another seat.

Today I will leave notes on windshields.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Report: Day 146 

It was difficult to limit myself to only one sentence, but famous last words are traditionally not lengthy monologues. Unless you're a character in a David Mamet movie. Regardless, the following are my famous last words:

Don't forget to water my ficus...

Today I will change someone's mind.

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