Sooner: year one

My new hobby is collecting condiment packets. You know, the ones. Ketchup and mayonayse in the little foil bubble from Wendy's and what not. I am collecting these packets in a drawer at the reference desk. I will add one for every shift I work at the reference desk between now and the diciplinary action which is surely on the horizon.

My first packet will be some Taco Bell "fire" sauce and will be placed in the drawer at the reference desk on Monday.

Today I will express my views.

Oy! Another prank call.

"Peary Elementary School."

"Ms. Hicks please."

"Who?"

"Ms. Hicks. The kindergarten teacher."

"Our kindergarten teacher is not named Ms. Hicks. Who is this please?"

"Damn. I was afraid of that. My name is Brian Blaho and I'm a former student of Ms. Hicks. I was hoping she'd still be there."

"Oh, how nice. No, we have a new kindergarten teacher now. How long ago were you a student here?"

"Well, I only attended kindergarten there and that was 25-26 years ago."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Anyway, may I speak to the principal?"

"Sir, Mr. Blaho, what is this in regard to?"

"I lost a rattle when I was five and I'm trying to track it down. I spent some serious time at Peary around the May Pole and what not so I thought it might still be there. In storage or something."

"What?"

"Do you have a lost and found?"

"Sir, we have nothing more than a few months old in the lost and found."

"Look, I've been in therapy trying to overcome some serious shit, ok? And I've only just recovered the memory of my rattle and I really, really need to locate it. It's important. To my mental health. And you people have it. I know you do. My last memory of the rattle is around the finger painting station in Ms. Hicks classroom and I want it back."

"Sir, there's nothing I can do."

"That's bullshit. Can't you just look? Can you just run down the hall and look for it? It's blue with stars and moons in yellow. Painted tin or aluminum."

"Sir, we don't have it. It would have been donated to charity long long ago."

"You know what's wrong with you mother fuckers? You have no respect for personal proerty. How the hell am I going to move forward in therapy now? How will I ever get closure?"

"Sir, I'm disconnecting this call because of your swearing."

Today I will get a hobby.

Yesterday I saw more of the world. Specifically this involved taking my morning bus a stop beyond my destination and hoofing it back to work so that I could see all the things I normally miss.

My bus ride is into an urban area where bus stops are closer together than out in the suburbs where I originate so a single stop beyond my regular stop is two blocks from work and in the middle of an area I see every day. So I decided to take the bus to it's terminal stop, which is about a half mile from the law school.

On my way into work I walked past the other law school in down town Newark and I marveled at the sleek glass exterior of their ediface. I noted a cute sandwich shop that I want to try for lunch sometime. I counted fifteen homeless folks sleeping on the sidewalk along the way. Mostly though it was just a longer walk.

Maybe I should have tried it on the way home instead.

Today is closure day.

Yesterday I took the Benrick test to determine whether I am a psychopath. The test consisted of a series of questions which I answered with a numerical value. Once I'd answered all the questions if the sum of my responses was greater than 40 I was instructed to turn myself over to the police immediately.

Perhaps you would like to play along and see if you're a psychopath too, yes?

OK. I will list the Benrick traits and if you possess them not at all, score 0. If you possess them all the time, score 4. If in between score appropriately. My scores are in parentheses.

1) Glibness / superficial charm (2)
2) Grandiose sense of self-worth (2)
3) Tendency to boredom / need for stimulation (4)
4) Pathological lying (1)
5) Cunning / manipulative behavior (3)
6) Lack of remorse (0)
7) Shallow affect (monotone voice, blank expression) (0)
8) Lack of empathy (0)
9) Parasitic Lifestyle (0)
10) Poor behavioral control (2)
11) Promiscuous sexual behavior (2)
12) Behavioral problems early in life (0)
13) Lack of realistic long-term plans (0)
14) Impulsiveness (3)
15) Irresponsible behavior (1)
16) Failure to accept the consequences of actions (0)
17) Many marital relationships (0)
18) Juvenile delinquency (0)
19) Callousness (0)
20) Criminal versatility (1)

My total was 21 which means I'm a little more than half way to psychopath. Where are you, Sunshine?

Today I will see more of the world.

Yesterday was downsizing day. The idea behind the day is that corporate fat cats have the right idea and a great way to save money is to reduce the number of people who provide services to you and in that way cut expenses.

So I made a list of services I use that I figured I could do without if I had to.

Cleaners
Internet provider
Public transportation
HBO
Netflix
The New York Times
Neighborhood deli

Benrick suggested things like fire your pets. Not only do you save money on food for them, but you can eat them and stretch your grocery budget. You'll notice pets are not on the list.

I considered the list and finally decided to fire HBO. I enjoy having HBO, but I use it so infrequently, especially now that I'm employed again, so I'm kissing it good bye. I contacted the cable company yesterday at 9 p.m. to inform them of my decision.

Today I will take the Benrick test to determine whether I'm a psychopath. The wagering is now open.

My initial inclination on this one was to choose a hair in a very unlikely place and declare it the hair I will be permitting to grow out a full meter. Say this lovely little arm hair on the back of my wrist. However, according to How Stuff Works it is not possible for me to encourage this hair to grow any longer than a fraction of an inch, even with a faithful regime of shaving and Rogaine.

My options, it would seem, are limited to the top of my head. I have, therefore chosen the hair at the very tip of my widows peak. Heedless of men's fashion or other societal norms I will refrain from trimming this hair, though it fall in my eyes, though it declines to be tamed by styling product, though it flutters in the breeze like the plume of a quail.

And if an erstwhile stylist becomes over zealous and despite my protestations snips my meter bound hair, which I will name Trevor, I will commit to starting over, no matter how long it takes, until Trevor reaches his full potential of one meter in length. Oh, I will mourn Trevor if the unspeakable happens in some barber's chair somewhere, but I will live to see Trevor one meter long no matter what it takes.

Today is downsizing day.

This was not my first Benrick related detox but it was certainly easier than the earlier one. I started the day with a ginger smoothie followed by some natural charcoal to cleanse my system and flush out toxins. I limited caffeine intake to green tea and ate only organic vegetables, dairy, and soy throughout the day. I hhad two bowel movements yesterday. I attibute this to the detox.

Before bed I had a series of deep, cleansing breaths. Tomorrow I will be back to refined sugar and insecticide rich veggies. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Today I will choose a hair on my body and permit it to grow to a length of one meter.