Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Report: Day 151 

Benrik said I should go to my closest natural history museum and check on my favorite dinosaur to see if it was being well represented. However, the Museum of Natural History in New York closes on weekdays at about the same time I get off work. So I had to improvise. I thought maybe I could find my favorite dinosaur on some sort of virtual exhibit, but I found no mention of my favorite, the Terydactyl.

Well, what I didn't know was that the terydactyl was not a dinosaur at all. In fact it was flying lizard. And flying lizards don't count for Benricking. So I went to my next favorite dinosaur, the triceratops. And while I did not find a virtual exhibit, I did learn that triceratops means "three horned face" and that the horns were probably used both for defense and for males to attack each other to impress the lady triceratopses.

Today I will leave a message to the future.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Report: Day 150 

Ok. According to Benrick I was to "spend [the day] underwater and feel the fish within." This is more difficult than it may at first seem. I was delighted that it fell on Sunday and I had a fighting chance of complying. There is no way that my employer would have permitted me to set up one of those wading pools at the reference desk. No way.

So I started the day with a bath. I ordinarily take showers, not baths. Soon the water began to get cold and I couldn't help but think about the fact that everything I'd just removed from my body was floating in the water around me. I knew this wouldn't do.

So I got out of the tub and filled a vase with water. Then I completely submerged my left arm. I kept my left arm in the vase for the next 11 hours or so. I carried my vase around with me and despite some difficulty managed to go about my day with an arm underwater.

When I finally removed my arm the skin on my hand was puckered and pale, my fingernails were soft and the cuticles were blue. These problems cleared up, more or less, in about 2 hours. This morning the skin on my left palm is peeling.

Today is dinosaur day.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Report: Day 149 

The following is a transcription of a letter that will be posted to the United Nations on August 9, 2004.

August 7, 2004

Secretary-General Kofi Annan
United Nations
New York, NY 10017, USA

Dear Secretary-General,

I cannot help but notice that there is a staggeringly large number of ugly people around the world. At first I thought this was a problem only for those in New Jersey and Puerto Rico, but I recently took a class in cultural geography and I have learned that, at least according to my textbook, ugly people live literally everywhere around the world. They're everywhere, Your Worship. Everywhere.

At times the problem must seem overwhelming to someone in your position. I mean, I can't even imagine being President of the World and having to care for all of us from your double parked limo with diplomatic immunity. But the very first thing to understand is that this doesn't have to be. This ugliness business is artificial.

The second thing to understand, Excellency, is that small steps can be taken to eradicate much of the problem. For example if you made the use of soap mandatory we'd see immediate results. Also you may consider requiring all clothing to be made of natural fibers and be worn as designed by Isaac Mizrahi. Look at that. The Estonian people already smell better and look hipper.

Of course, some of the ugly are simply ugly. But even in the most extreme cases we can help. I think the UN should establish a troupe of traveling plastic surgeons who go from desert to tundra carrying their lypo machines in the back of a jumbo jet tricked out to be one heck of a trendy operating theatre.

I know the problem is truly gargantuan and I don't mean to make light of the world wide epidemic of ugly by suggesting that a few simple changes can completely solve the problem. I mean, even after surgery sometimes the ass implants leak or the cauliflower ear grows back. I know that. But we owe it to our ugly brothers and sisters, Your Majesty, to make inroads beginning immediately.

I trust you'll give my proposal due consideration and get back to me.

Kissing Your Ring,
Brian Blaho
Law-Librarian and Social Activist
Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, US of frickin' A

Today I will reconnect with my aquatic origins.

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