Sooner: year one

A sampling of the many, many lies I told yesterday.

My first word was Canada. My second was somnambulist.

I hold three olympic medals.

I lost a leg to razor wire in a prison escape attempt.

I am formerly of the French Foreign Leigion.

When I was in the circus I had a torrid affair with the lion tamer. He had enormous bitch tits.

I used to collect human hair and spin it into the softest yarn, which I knitted into an afgan that currently resides on the back of my sofa.

My first job was as an astronaut, but it didn't hold the thrill of librarianship so I gave it up.

I was born in the depression and sometimes we ate our own shoes because we were poor and starving to death.

I voted for George Bush. On purpose.

I have in the past balanced a Jeep Comanche on the tip of my nose.

Before I changed my identity, I was a master code breaker. The information I possess places me in constant peril.

I was the recipient of the first babboon to human heart transplant.

There were many, many more, but rest assured that all of these are absolutely true lies about my past.

Today I will end every conversation with the reassuring phrase "but my intentions are good."

Today Benrick had me combine Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparent's Day into one to get them all over with. So I called my parents and my grandparents to wish them happy Various Relatives Day. They are all getting pretty used to this kind of behavior, so none of them really batted an eye. They took it in stride pretty much.

I have a cold.

Today I will be lying about my past.

As I told you, I have been Benricking, though posting was difficult while on vacation.

Here is a handy guide to assist you in catching up.

Avoid Electro Magnetic Energy Day
Learn to Spot the Aliens Among Us Day
Sugar is Free Day (A Personal Favorite)
Rap Day
No Swearing Day
Christ's Plight Day
Counterfit Day
Choc-o-Holic Day
Tax Freedom Day
Colon Cleansing Day

Regards.

The key to cleansing your colon day is fiber, as anyone will tell you. I started the day with a bran muffin, had a leafy green salad for lunch, and ended the day with some wood chips from a flower bed I passed.

Then I hired a strapping young man to give me an old school enema, and what can I say. Today I have the healthiest colon around!

Today is various relatives day.

Statistically, one hundred and two days into the year the average American has earned enough to satisfy his or her tax burden. That makes yesterday, on my Benrick fiscal calandar, my tax freedom day. My specific directive was to write a government official and complain about my heavy tax burden. Following is a transcription of a letter posted on June 21, 2004.

June 20, 2004

Senator Frank Lautenberg
324 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Lautenberg:

I am one of your constituents. I have a J.D., and am currently working as a law librarian for the Rutgers Law School in Newark, NJ. I have a complaint.

I have noticed that many corporations do not pay any taxes at all. According to the latest figures from the Government Accounting Office (GAO) 63 percent of U.S. corporations paid absolutely no taxes in 2000 and a staggering 93.9 percent of U.S. corporations paid less than five percent of their income. Less than 5 percent, Senator. I pay much more than that. So do you.

How is this possible? Loopholes, special exemptions and other junk riders that get attached to tax legislation, and offshore holding companies outside of the reach of the IRS. Senator, I think this is shameful. And I bring this complaint to you because you represent me in the drafting of and passing of tax law.

I know you are only one man. One voice in one hundred. But I want to urge you to do something about it. Something for me. This is my proposal.

I would like you to attach a rider to the next bill that crosses your desk which is sure to pass. The rider should be called the Brian Blaho Exemption and it should permit me, by name, to form a private holding citizen, owned and controlled entirely by me, which will take title to all my income and assets. These holdings will be sheltered from all tax liability in the exact same way that corporate holdings are when corporate citizens form holding companies. I will form this private holding citizen for all my income and assets, but I do not want to give up my U.S. citizenship and all the marvelous benefits which accompany it. This is key.

I still want to be able to vote, I still want to be able to file for unemployment should I lose my job, I still want to use the roads, and I still want to be protected from crime by the police. I will be 100 percent American with all that that entails, but I'll contribute absolutely nothing to the maintenence or creation of the services I expect just like corporate America does.

I know you can make this happen for me, Senator. And in excange I promise to use a small portion of my tax free income to contribute to your re-election. In fact, I'll go as high as the $2,000 maximum contribution. Promise.

I leave the details in your capable hands, but I am happy to help with the drafting of the language to be used in the Brian Blaho Exemption or in any other way I can. Feel free to contact me day or night; this tax shelter will increase my income significantly so I'm totally willing to pitch in at any time to get it done.

Workin' Hard for the Money,
Brian Blaho
Hasbrouck Heights, NJ

I'm going to wind up with a pretty nifty FBI file.

Today I'm focusing on the health of my colon.