Sooner: year one

Benrick said that yesterday I would test to see if I was psychic, but the instructions make it clear that I was actually attempting to test for telekenisis. I'm not exactly sure that they are the same thing, though they may be.

I started with a bottle cap. I looked at it very steadily and concentrated. Rise, I thought. Bend to my will! Comply with the power of my mind!

I was at it for hours, but nothing happened. I'm just not psychic.

Today I will order an impossible pizza.

This one was also a little difficult. I wasn't entirely sure that I had a skill worthy of the generations. I solicited opinions. Some said I should pass on my obvious skill for heavy drinking. Some said I should teach my descendents to complain loudly and often. One even suggested I teach my descendents how to answer reference questions. "And this is the A.L.R. which is different from the Am. Jur. we reviewed yesterday."

But what you may not know about me is that I'm quite an accomplished calligrapher. I'm always hand drawing wedding invitations for royalty and my fingers are forever stained from stray ink splatter. Sometimes, when I was in law school, I would take my notes in calligraphy just for fun. I'd set up my leather desk set in the lecture hall and warn my colleagues seated around me that because these modern desks do not have ink wells they must be very careful around my ink pot or we'd have a huge mess. My classmates were patient if not thrilled with my constant requests for the prof to repeat himself so I could properly capitalize his exact wording and switch back and forth between a broad tip and a fine tip.

So I guess that's what I'd pass on.

Today I will discover whether I'm psychic.

I have to say that this one was a little bit difficult. I have a fairly expansive palate and have tried many things over my short life. But before yesterday I'd never eaten any of these:



So, for the first time ever I ate oysters on the half shell which are a little frightening because they're slimy and raw.

I had mine with seaweed and chili sauce and they were wonderful. Salty and sweet and yummy.

Today I am deciding which of my many skills I'd like to pass on to my descendents.

Oh, gentle reader, yesterday there was much air guitar. And head banging. And two fingers in the air, the pinky and index. I was so heavy metal all day long.

Bevin didn't agree. "Brian, I read an article on the punk rock societal enclave and as I've mentioned before punk rock and heavy metal are closely related. Metal isn't so much into revolution, they're more into money. But the bones are the same, Brian. The underlying heart of punk and metal are the same and believe me when I tell you that you have not yet had a true metal experience."

"Well, Bevin, what should I do?"

"Hold on, Brian, I'm coming right over. I'm going to make sure you have a metal experience."

So Bevin came over and she was totally punkcore. She was even wearing her Bitch & Animal tube socks. "Alright, Brian," she said. "Let's go. Get in the car. It's time to rock!"

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the mall."

"The mall?"

"Yeah, I want to buy some shoes."

So I got in Bevin's car and she played the soundtrack to "A Mighty Wind" which she said was just like metal "unplugged" and that it had a hard core rock vibe to it. Before we went to the mall we stopped at Michael's to get some pink glitter.

"Bevin," I said, "I'm not sure exactly how, you know, rock and roll the craft store is. I'm worried that this might not be very, you know, heavy metal."

"Oh, Brian," said an exasperated Bevin as she rolled her eyes. "This is the kind of place that true rockers, those truly in the lifestyle, come to when they need to get supplies to make themselves look all punk or metal or whatever. This place is so punk rock you won't even be able to stand it! I know, because I read that article as I have already mentioned. Now, go see if you can find puff paint for fabric. It should be back there in the sewing section. Past the bobbins. Go on, now. And don't forget to bang your head while you look. Pink puff paint, Brian. Pink."

When we finally got to the mall I had a key made and bought some shoelaces. Then we went to a place called Torrid to look for pink and black shoes for bevin to dance in. She tried on several pair, each more wonderful than the last. "What do you think about these, Brian?" she asked. "I particularly like that they are patent leather and have a sweet bow on the end of the velcro strap."

"Well, Bevin, I thought we were going to have a heavy metal experience. I don't think rockers spend their evenings shopping for platform sneakers. I'm just uncertain that this is the way it's done."

"Brian, which of us read the article?"

"You did."

"And therefore, which of us knows more about rocking than the other?"

"Well, you do."

"Right. I do. So, therfore, vis a vis, you need to start trusting me a little more and doubting me a little less. Believe me, Brian. Shoe shopping is totally metal appropriate. I mean have you ever seen a band go onstage barefoot? No, you haven't. And why is that? It's becase they go shoe shoppi--OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THESE CAPRIS! Brian, do you think I could wear these with like a really formal top and nice shoes while I'm being a lawyer? I mean, do you think these can be dressed up enough for work?"

We picked out some pink platform sneakers, though we agreed that the ones with the bows were too pale so we settled on the ones with the stars. And Bevin found a pair of matching star covered boots that were total must haves.

"Bevin, I'm still a little uncertain about all this. Am I really having a metal experience? I mean, I'm sitting outside of a dressing room in the mall holding your purse."

"Oh, Brian. This is so metal. I'd even say this was metalcore."

I took her word for it.

Today I'm supposed to eat food that scares me.

The challenge yesterday was in the flip, not the pancakes. I was one up on Benrick, however, as I already knew how to flip pancakes.

There is a technique. You have to loosen the cake from the pan (the use of a nonstick skillet and touch of butter or oil aids in this) before you attempt the flip. Hold the pan away from the stove and angled down just a bit. Work the cake to the bottom part of the pan. Then in one quick motion flip the cake up, while simultaneously pulling the pan toward you. If you've done it correctly the cake just lands in the pan with no effort.

I had eggs and sausage with my pancakes last night.

Today I am living the heavy metal lifestyle.

According to Benrick the statistical norm from an adult human male is 9 occurrences per day for a total of approximately 50 cc of methane. After keeping track throughout the day I am pleased to report that I am slightly above average. I had 10 occurrances. Perhaps it was the ruffage at lunch?

Today is flip the perfect pancake day.

Yesterday I returned all my junk mail. Benrick suggested I do this by writing "return to sender attn: (fictious name)" in an effort to cost the sender money in that their resources would be wasted tracking down the fictious name. I thought that this was an excellent idea, but it was incomplete. Some of those junk mail providers may have very small staffs and if there are only 4 people working there then they'd know right away that Ms. Princess Cruise does not work there. So I set out to cost the junk mailer's actual money.

I spoke to a postal representative about the situation and he told me that if I put the word "refused" on the mail I wanted to return, not only would it be returned to the sender, but the sender would be charged postage for the return.

So that's exactly what I did.

No, I thought to myself, I do not need anything from Pottery Barn. I refuse your offer for a new Visa card! I have no equity, so I have no need for refinancing!

It was very gratifying.

Today I am counting my farts to ascertain whether I pose a particular danger to the ozone layer.