Saturday, April 24, 2004

Report: Day 52 

I have discovered the meaning of life. I'm sharing it with you here. Though I am very pleased with Trillian's suggestion that I begin at 42

Today I'm returning all my junk mail.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Report: Day 51 

It was senseless day which means that I was supposed to spend the entire day without using my sense of sight. As I have mentioned before, I love Benricking, but I must keep my employment in order to support my Benrick habit, so spending the entire day in a library without the use of my eyes was simply impossible.

I therefore came up with a compromise. An eye patch. By wearing an eye patch I could be senseless on just the right side which would facilitate my Benrick task while simultaneously permitting me to work for the man without too many hassles.

It went fairly smoothly, but what I hadn't anticipated was the number of times someone asked me if I was alright. "What happened?" "How does the other guy look?" "Conjunctivitis?"

My standard response became, "I lost a bet," which seemed to satisfy most concerned patrons. My co-workers, however were not fooled.

"Is this Benrick?" they would ask. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

It is very difficult to read with only one eye. I bumped into my fair share of objects and occasionally I would reach for something only to have my hand close before I realized I'd missed it entirely. I got dizzy occasionally. When I got home I had a mild headache from eye strain.

Fashion was an interesting challenge. The strap of the eye patch does all kinds of unsightly things to your hair. And I tried briefly to wear my glasses over the patch, but that just proved il-conceived. And when my hair fell in front of my face I was blinded, so I applied gel at lunch.

Today I must discover the meaning of life.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Report: Day 50 

Benrick suggested I draw attention to myself by wearing a crown or carrying a midget around under my arm (I wish!) or wearing unusual clothing. But I'm sitting at a desk next to a box of candy on account of it being National Libraries Week so I have been catching the eye of everyone who comes to the library without any effort at all. So I decided that I would make people notice me by making outrageous claims throughout the day. A typical conversation went something like this.


"Excuse me. Hello? Excuse me, sir."


"Did you know that in the basement right now they are preparing a 35 pound quiche?"


"It's true. Better run down and get your slice before it's all gone! Run now. Run."


"How is your exam preparation coming?"

"Oh, pretty well. I'm nervous about my seminar."

"I know that feeling. When I was in law school my lowest grade came from my seminar. Professor Patterson's The Law of Jell-O Wrestling."


"Yeah, I got a C- which came as a total shock to me because I'd spent the entire semester doing practical research at Dominic's in Evesham. I was there, like, three times a week. Sometimes more."

"Where did you go to law school?"

"The University of Guam. They have a correspondence program."


"Can you tell me where the restroom is?"

"Well, I could, but it would do you little good."


"The nearest restroom is through that hall on the left, but this morning there was a manufacturer's recall and the toilets have been removed. For safety."


"Yeah. Truth be told, I'd rather be safe than sorry when I've got my pants around my ankles, if you know what I mean and I think you do."

"So what happens if you need to use the restroom?"

"Well, I've been telling the guys that they can use the gaping hole in the floor where the stools used to be if they have good aim."

"I'm a girl."

"Yeah, so you should probably use the Port-a-Johns out on the lawn."

"This is outrageous!"

"Yeah, I know. It's like where does all that money for tuition go? But one thing I'm really glad about is that safety is number one here. I mean, the instant that recall notice arrived all the pots were yanked and now we're just waiting on a special delivery from the Home Depot to get us up and running again."

Today is senseless day.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Report: Day 49 

Selected first impressions.

Today I'm making people notice me.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Report: Day 48 

Yesterday I was at the laundromat scrubbin' the duds, you see. After the washers had finished their cycles, I loaded my clothes into the little wheelie cart and moved over to the dryer section. All the dryers were full and more than half of them were no longer spinning. I knew instantly what I had to do.

I waited quietly in a chair near the door. I picked up a Highlights magazine and flipped through it aimlessly as I waited for the offender to return for his or her dried clothes. Nearly 45 minutes later, a tiny Asian woman (tiny but not a midget) limped in relying heavily on her cane as she struggled to the back of the laundromat. She opened a dryer and began retrieving her belongings.

"Hold it right there, mother fucker! Freeze!" I yelled.

The woman slowly turned to look at me, an expression of surprise and fear plainly across her features.

"Are these your dry clothes?" I demanded.


"Do you know how long these clothes have been dry?"


"Do you see that wheelie cart over there full of wet clothes?"


"Did you know that if you'd come to collect your shit as the machine finished its cycle that mound of wet clothes may already be dry?"

"What is this?"

"Ma'am, I'm afraid that I have no choice. I'm placing you under citizen's arrest for extreme disregard for your fellow laundromat patrons. I have contacted the appropriate authorities and they're on their way. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you not to leave the laundromat until they arrive to straighten this out. Do you understand what I'm demanding of you?"

"You can have the dryer now!" she pleaded.

"Oh, we're so far beyond that. You're in a world of shit now, baby."

"Please," she begged, "please, don't do this."

I considered her for a few moments and then I said, "well, I guess we might be able to make some kind of deal."

"Ok," she said. She already looked relieved.

"I'll call the laundromat authorities and advise them the situation is under control and they need not come to collect you if you give me two dryer sheets. I forgot mine. Oh, and you have to pick up the pace here. I need to get my clothes dry."

She considered the deal and apparently deciding it was in her best interest, she handed me two dryer sheets and emptied the dryer as quickly as her arthritic fingers would permit.

She didn't even bother to fold her clothes, she just took off.

I probably won't be able to use that laundromat again. Not after I shook a senior citizen down for dryer sheets. Some things you just can't come back from.

Today is a day of first impressions.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Report: Day 47 

Last night at bedtime I counted 3,500 sheep before I stopped counting sheep and relaxed enough to fall asleep. That sheep thing does not work.

Today I must make a citizens arrest.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Report: Day 46 

On Birthday Day I sent out birthday cards with crisp one dollar bills inside to 15 family members. I did this at a time when I knew they were not celebrating birthdays. I have a cousin whose birthday is very near. I did not send her a card, but will do so in 6 months time.

Today is counting sheep day.

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