Sooner: year one

A sampling of the many, many lies I told yesterday.

My first word was Canada. My second was somnambulist.

I hold three olympic medals.

I lost a leg to razor wire in a prison escape attempt.

I am formerly of the French Foreign Leigion.

When I was in the circus I had a torrid affair with the lion tamer. He had enormous bitch tits.

I used to collect human hair and spin it into the softest yarn, which I knitted into an afgan that currently resides on the back of my sofa.

My first job was as an astronaut, but it didn't hold the thrill of librarianship so I gave it up.

I was born in the depression and sometimes we ate our own shoes because we were poor and starving to death.

I voted for George Bush. On purpose.

I have in the past balanced a Jeep Comanche on the tip of my nose.

Before I changed my identity, I was a master code breaker. The information I possess places me in constant peril.

I was the recipient of the first babboon to human heart transplant.

There were many, many more, but rest assured that all of these are absolutely true lies about my past.

Today I will end every conversation with the reassuring phrase "but my intentions are good."