Sooner: year one

The following is a transcription of a letter that will be posted to the United Nations on August 9, 2004.

August 7, 2004

Secretary-General Kofi Annan
United Nations
S-378
New York, NY 10017, USA

Dear Secretary-General,

I cannot help but notice that there is a staggeringly large number of ugly people around the world. At first I thought this was a problem only for those in New Jersey and Puerto Rico, but I recently took a class in cultural geography and I have learned that, at least according to my textbook, ugly people live literally everywhere around the world. They're everywhere, Your Worship. Everywhere.

At times the problem must seem overwhelming to someone in your position. I mean, I can't even imagine being President of the World and having to care for all of us from your double parked limo with diplomatic immunity. But the very first thing to understand is that this doesn't have to be. This ugliness business is artificial.

The second thing to understand, Excellency, is that small steps can be taken to eradicate much of the problem. For example if you made the use of soap mandatory we'd see immediate results. Also you may consider requiring all clothing to be made of natural fibers and be worn as designed by Isaac Mizrahi. Look at that. The Estonian people already smell better and look hipper.

Of course, some of the ugly are simply ugly. But even in the most extreme cases we can help. I think the UN should establish a troupe of traveling plastic surgeons who go from desert to tundra carrying their lypo machines in the back of a jumbo jet tricked out to be one heck of a trendy operating theatre.

I know the problem is truly gargantuan and I don't mean to make light of the world wide epidemic of ugly by suggesting that a few simple changes can completely solve the problem. I mean, even after surgery sometimes the ass implants leak or the cauliflower ear grows back. I know that. But we owe it to our ugly brothers and sisters, Your Majesty, to make inroads beginning immediately.

I trust you'll give my proposal due consideration and get back to me.

Kissing Your Ring,
Brian Blaho
Law-Librarian and Social Activist
Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, US of frickin' A

Today I will reconnect with my aquatic origins.