Sooner: year one

The following is a transcription of a letter I posted this morning.

May 11, 2004

CRM Department
Guinness World Records Ltd
8th Floor
338 Euston Rd
London NW1 3BD

Dear Records Keepers:

Thank you for the fine work you have done over the years keeping track of folks with freakishly long fingernails and nose hair that requires styling products. I know of no other resource like yours and I can't tell you how many times I've balanced 7 or 8 glasses on my chin and wondered whether that was the record only to consult your publication and find out I was off by about 70! Aha-ha-haa!

It is no secret among my friends that I have been absolutely obsessed with finding my way into your book for some time, a comment I'm sure you hear with some regularity. This obsession, combined with my complete transformation "radical style" according to the principles of Benrick, have finally brought me, hat in hand, to your door. I believe I am the current holder of a world record and would very much appreciate your feed back in regard to how this can be certified and validated to your satisfaction.

You see, I am the world's tallest midget. At 5'9" I come in well above my fellow little people and it is this freakish defect which has permitted me to blend as seamlessly as I have into the average world.

Of course, this record depends a great deal on how you define the parameters of midgetism. If you are narrow minded you may define midgetism solely on physicality, thus disqualifying me from the recognition I deserve as a world record holder. However, if you define midgetism more broadly, as I have, you can easily come to the same conclusion I reached, namely that midgetism is a state of mind. And once you start thinking like a midget, you are a midget whether you have to duck under door frames or can hide easily under the divan.

I thank you again for the unique service you provide to the world and for considering this record breaking request.

Insert Superlative Here,
Brian Blaho

Today I am sending a photo of myself and a five dollar bill to a stranger with no explanation.