Sooner: year one

The following is a transcription of a letter I sent to His Holiness the Dalai Lama this morning.

March 28, 2004

His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Lhassa, Tibet

Dear Holiness:

My name is Brian Blaho and you may not remember this, but I saw you this past summer when you gave a talk in Central Park. I was the one in the blue T-shirt off to your right. I was sitting on a green hand towel which I wanted to return after the talk, but I couldn't find the return receptacle so I wound up with it in my possession. I still have it, and it has been laundered. If you need it back let me know.

Anyway, I'm on a quest via Benrick to change my life "radical style" and as I'm sure you're aware by now given the world wide Benrick craze, Day 26 of my life changing journey requires me to contemplate exactly how I'd like to be reincarnated and to formally request as much from you, the world's most famous reincarnation.

I have been taking this entire project very seriously, Holiness, and today's task is no exception. I have spent a great deal of time weighing the pros and cons of living life as various creatures and I have been thinking a great deal about what kind of being I might be reincarnated as, given the way I've lived my current life to date. I have to say that I'm probably not supermodel worthy. It is difficult to admit, but I do not believe I have lived a life with enough kindness, charity, or humility to warrant being reborn "hot" or "sexy" if you will. It's simply the truth.

So, I will not waste your time or mine making ridiculous requests like "please, Holiness, may I be reborn a Baldwin?" or anything like that. I think we both know that's completely outside the realm of possibilities. But on the other hand, it's not like I've been a totally crappy person either. I mean, Holiness, come on. I recycle, ok? So I certainly don't deserve to be reborn as some kind of Pauly Shore.

Therefore I think you will agree that my proposal for reincarnation is not only utterly reasonable but within my Karmic credit.

Of course, all of this is so much prologue, Holiness. That is to say that really the heart of my plea is that I would very much like to be reborn as some kind of BMX superstar. Just think, Holiness! If you can pull this off for me I'd totally give you a ride 'round the half-pipe on my handlebars so I think you'll agree that you are not entirely without incentive. We could even go on tour together. I would have the acrobatics and you would have the wisdom, piety, and let's face it the "cred" to totally get my BMX career off the ground. We could pack the grandstands every night.

And this doesn't say anything about the chicks, Holiness. I don't know what kind of groupies international religious leaders get, but the babes that hang out at the x-games are wicked hot! I'm not even kidding.

Well, anyway, that's what I'd like. I have included a five dollar (US) note that you may use in any way you see fit as long as it greases the wheels on this BMX thing. Let me know what you think because if I'm not going to get to be a BMX star then I'm gonna quit recycling because it's really a pain in the neck, Holiness. I mean you have to put the plastic over here and the glass over there. And just forget about the newspapers.

Chanting only for you,
Brian Blaho
Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, USA

P.S. If I can't be a BMX star my second choice is to be reborn as some kind of angry stinging insect. Just keep it in mind.

Today I am not permitted to use either of these words.