Thursday, March 11, 2004
Report: Day 8
This one was painful. I don't use tobacco, I rarely drink alcohol, but I do have a constant influx of caffeine throughout any given day. In the morning I French press a steamy pot of pumpkin spice coffee to carry me through my commute. Throughout the day I drink caffeinated soda and tea, hot or iced depending on my mood and the weather. After dinner I love to indulge in an ounce of espresso. And I'm always up for meeting a friend for coffee after work.
The book laid this challenge before me so that I might "see how much purer I feel," but it failed to mention that feeling pure was similar to feeling like shit. As the day went on and my body got purer and purer and purer I just felt worse and worse and worse. I had no idea that purity was accompanied by dizziness, sleepiness, migraine, and an inability to concentrate. Thank you Benrick for teaching me such a valuable lesson!
A few excerpts from my notes throughout the day.
10:22 a.m. I think I've been successful at fooling myself into thinking that I've been getting my normal levels of caffeine by brewing and drinking decaf. This may not be so bad.
11:31 a.m. I have noticed over the past few minutes a small tremor at the corner of my left eye. I do not think it is causing me to twitch visibly, but I can feel the muscles contract and release without my input and it's a little weird.
11:54 a.m. I just caught myself buying a soda on automatic pilot. I switched it for a bottle of water before it was too late. I'm still caffeine free.
1:21 p.m. I am massaging my temples with some regularity, trying to get the muscles in my forehead to relax. I'm a little light headed and headachy.
1:47 p.m. I just snapped at a co-worker for no reason. Was this because the co-worker is inept, or is this because I'm feeling a little like crap?
2:30 p.m. It feels like there is an icepick down through the top of my head, penetrating my left eye, and lodged in my upper molars. I am conflicted about taking migraine medicine because I do not know if taking prescription medication invalidates the addiction freeness of today.
2:36 p.m. Fuck addiction freeness. I've taken a Zomig.
3:44 p.m. I can feel myself becoming strangely disassociative. While I don't remember committing the act, I know I will have to explain the fecal smears on the wall of my office to the janitorial staff with some sort of convincing lie.
4:57 p.m. I believe the white powder at the bottom of my brief case is a crushed NoDoz I used to keep for emergencies. I have drawn the attention of my fellow commuters by attempting to lick it out of the seams of my bag, but have gathered more lint than medicine on my tongue by doing same. I am being left well alone by everyone and that's not such a bad thing.
6:20 p.m. If I treat this like a religious fast, I will be able to have caffeine as soon as the sun sets. Is that cheating?
8:36 p.m. My thoughts are increasingly violent, but my limbs are numb and lethargic, frustrating the violent feelings I'm having.
9:12 p.m. Can barely hold my eyes open long enough to write this. The blackness is closing in.
All I can say is thank God I wasn't coming off the crack. I am once again fully indulging my addictions. This indulgence started at 5:00 a.m. this morning because today my task was to get up at 5:00 a.m. and do something significant before breakfast. Not before coffee. Before breakfast.
The book laid this challenge before me so that I might "see how much purer I feel," but it failed to mention that feeling pure was similar to feeling like shit. As the day went on and my body got purer and purer and purer I just felt worse and worse and worse. I had no idea that purity was accompanied by dizziness, sleepiness, migraine, and an inability to concentrate. Thank you Benrick for teaching me such a valuable lesson!
A few excerpts from my notes throughout the day.
10:22 a.m. I think I've been successful at fooling myself into thinking that I've been getting my normal levels of caffeine by brewing and drinking decaf. This may not be so bad.
11:31 a.m. I have noticed over the past few minutes a small tremor at the corner of my left eye. I do not think it is causing me to twitch visibly, but I can feel the muscles contract and release without my input and it's a little weird.
11:54 a.m. I just caught myself buying a soda on automatic pilot. I switched it for a bottle of water before it was too late. I'm still caffeine free.
1:21 p.m. I am massaging my temples with some regularity, trying to get the muscles in my forehead to relax. I'm a little light headed and headachy.
1:47 p.m. I just snapped at a co-worker for no reason. Was this because the co-worker is inept, or is this because I'm feeling a little like crap?
2:30 p.m. It feels like there is an icepick down through the top of my head, penetrating my left eye, and lodged in my upper molars. I am conflicted about taking migraine medicine because I do not know if taking prescription medication invalidates the addiction freeness of today.
2:36 p.m. Fuck addiction freeness. I've taken a Zomig.
3:44 p.m. I can feel myself becoming strangely disassociative. While I don't remember committing the act, I know I will have to explain the fecal smears on the wall of my office to the janitorial staff with some sort of convincing lie.
4:57 p.m. I believe the white powder at the bottom of my brief case is a crushed NoDoz I used to keep for emergencies. I have drawn the attention of my fellow commuters by attempting to lick it out of the seams of my bag, but have gathered more lint than medicine on my tongue by doing same. I am being left well alone by everyone and that's not such a bad thing.
6:20 p.m. If I treat this like a religious fast, I will be able to have caffeine as soon as the sun sets. Is that cheating?
8:36 p.m. My thoughts are increasingly violent, but my limbs are numb and lethargic, frustrating the violent feelings I'm having.
9:12 p.m. Can barely hold my eyes open long enough to write this. The blackness is closing in.
All I can say is thank God I wasn't coming off the crack. I am once again fully indulging my addictions. This indulgence started at 5:00 a.m. this morning because today my task was to get up at 5:00 a.m. and do something significant before breakfast. Not before coffee. Before breakfast.
