Thursday, July 15, 2004

Report: Day 125 

The hardest part about taking your horoscope seriously is to decide which of your horoscopes you will take seriously. I looked at about 15 different horoscopes, all of which were radically different lending credence to my theory that horoscopes are bunk, before deciding on the following from astrology.com.

Go over details today with a magnifying glass and leave no stone unturned. Keep explanations to a minimum and make them concise. Keep yourself busy to stay out of trouble. If you must act, do so quickly and decisively. Take notes about everything that happens to you. Watch what you say, or idle words might find their way back to you at an inconvenient moment. If you remain calm and contained, it should be much easier to unwind at the end of the day.

Now a bit of background. Two days ago I contacted my attorney, with whom I am having a torrid attorney client relationship, at her home by phone. She answered as she normally would but a few seconds into our conversation an unfamilliar male voice appeared on the line. "Hello!" he blustered.

"Why, hello!" I said. "Who is this and what are you doing on our line?"

"Who is this?" he asked angrily.

"My name is Brian, and this is Bevin."

"Hello. I'm Bevin," she added.

"Yes, she's Bevin and as I say I'm Brian. What's your name?"

"This is my phone!" he said.

"Then there is a serious problem because I called Bevin and I know I called Bevin because she answered."

"Yes, I answered when he called me," said Bevin.

"What's your name again?" I asked. "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Continue." He was otherwise silent.



"Continue? I can't until you tell me your name. Listen, let's be friends. I just want to know your name. Hello? Hello? Are you shy or something?"

Bevin and I heard a click and after a bit of discussion we decided that the mystery man had left the scene. We giggled a little about the odd technical glitch that brought us together with that shy man and continued our conversation. But very shortly thereafter we heard a dial tone on our line and then we heard someone dialing.

"Hello! Hello! Who is dialing please? What are you doing on our line?"

There was a long silence.

"Do you want to be friends?" I asked.

There was a long beat and then, "I'm trying to dial the technician to repair the line. That's what I'm trying to do." It was our mystery friend.

Bevin and I ended our conversation and I told her I'd try her again in a few minutes on her cell. When I reached Bevin on her cell we were still laughing about how unnerved that guy was and whatever. And then Bevin said, "You know, his name is James A----- and he lives at blah blah blah Street Apartment 5F."

I was quiet for a while and then, "how do you know that?"

"He verified his address for the phone company while I was on the line, so I wrote it down."

I was giddy with the possibilities and it was decided that I would write James a letter the following day. Horoscope day.

Now, if you've read many of these posts, you are certainly aware that I am not afraid of writing letters. I love written correspondence and I have the theory that you have to send it to get it. So, yesterday I wrote James a letter on Wonder Woman stationary during my lunch break.

July 14, 2004

Dear James,

We've not met formally, but I feel like we have. I'm Brian from the phone the other night. You remember. I was all "what's your name?" and you were all silent and shy and stuff. I didn't mean to freak you out, I just wanted to be your friend. That's all. I swear.

Anyway, I had houseguests last week, which was totally fun, but also caused my cats to be totally crabby. Do you like cats? I hope so, James. I have two and the extra people in my small apartment totally cramped their style. They are finally getting back to normal. I believe they were very close to snapping and smothering someone in their sleep! I'll have you to dinner sometime so you can meet them. Don't worry! I'll not let them smother you, James. I promise!

So I hope you got that phone thing corrected. But if you didn't I'm sure we'll speak again next time I call my friend Bevin. I hope you're less shy!


P.S. Write me back. We should totally be penpals, buddy!

But before I dropped it in the mailbox I revisited the horoscope I was taking seriously and I was suddenly a little nervous. There's that part about idle words and whatever and Bevin described the smothering bit as "a little serial killer." But after consultation with both Haywood and Bevin, I ultimately opted to send the letter. I feel like this was a successful Benrick because I took my horoscope seriously enough to pause before dropping it in the mailbox.

Oh, James. Write me back!

Today I am exercising my full rights as a consumer.

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